There are very few things more embarrassing than finding out you’ve been doing something the wrong way your entire life.
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Just overheard my 6-year-old son ask Alexa, “Alexa, is there anyone my dad could beat up?”
me: “i have designed the world’s first electric car specifically for owls”
reporter: “owls? is it popular?”
me: “it’s turning heads”
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
i’m so vulnerable to nostalgia. the sun will go down and i’ll be like “wow…..remember when the sun was up……..i miss who i was then”
Him: I think you’re my soul mate.
Me: I’m so SO sorry for you.
I don’t trust anyone who can pick “one favourite” anything.
Screw you, you decisive jerk.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
Every night it sounds like my neighbors take turns at running headfirst into their walls
If you want to know what cereal you don’t have ask one of the kids what they want for breakfast.
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
What’s the deal with everyone liking unicorns? They’re horses with dildos on their heads. Dragons, people. DRAGONS.
[at olive garden]
waiter: welcome to the garden, what’ll it be
me: olives
waiter: ok
Whoever coined, “No good deed goes unpunished,” must have fed some seagulls.
The ghost of the girl murdered in my apartment in the 1920s would scare me a lot more if she didn’t keep queuing up Paw Patrol on Netflix.
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
Oh no, I accidentally drove over my neighbor’s creepy garden gnome 12 times.
New COVID variant tries to sell you an extended auto warranty.
Wife: My water broke!
Me: I’ll call the plumber
Wife: My baby’s coming!
Me: I’m sorry, since when is the plumber your “baby”?
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
Just got glasses for the first time in 20 years and holy shit everyone looks terrible
What idiot called it a rhyme book & not rapping paper
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
ME: a guy at work broke his jaw and has to eat all his meals through a straw
WIFE: wow that sucks
ME: i know what a straw does linda
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
My stepson and his friend are driving around in my car. If he wrecks it, I have insurance. If he plays Nickelback in it, I’ll murder him.
DiCaprio movie endings;
Shutter Island: is he dead?
Titanic: is the boat dead?
Romeo & Juliet: is everyone dead?
Inception: am I dead?
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*