Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
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Judas: How long are your arms?
Jesus: Why?
Judas: Like in a cross, how long
Jesus: A what?
Judas:Across. How long across.
In high school, one of my friends was a mormon who wanted to have twins named Idaho and Udaho, and I think about that a lot
Wife: Sarah’s husband gives her flowers EVERY day. I wish you’d do that!
Me: uh ok[next day]
Me *giving Sarah flowers* no I don’t get it either
Them: love what you do and you’ll never work a day in your life
Me: ok how can I make this apply to eating cheese?
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
me: congrats, when is the baby due
pregnant librarian: oh it’s mine i get to keep it
To see someone’s true savage nature, you must observe them eat crab legs at a buffet.
Kid, if you don’t know whether your Batman costume is pre or post reboot continuity, you don’t deserve candy. Also, Batman doesn’t cry.
Never trust your kids. You know who their parents are.
*Child putting on clothes very slowly while singing*
Me: You really need to hurry up – we’re going to be late.
*Child starts singing faster*
5: Let’s play house, mommy. You be the baby. I’ll be the mommy.
Me: OK
5: It’s night-night time. Go to sleep, baby!
Me: *Kicks, screams, fusses*
5: This isn’t how the game goes, mommy. I’m the mommy, so you have to listen.
Me: Oh, honey, this is *exactly* how the game goes.
Ok I’ll bite, what is elon musk
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
*strips off clothes, stands on desolate highway holding sign saying “Last Naked Guy For 75 Miles”
Movie idea:
A slasher film that ends with the heroine gloating as she hands the killer over to the cops, but then she realizes her car is parked over in the same direction. They all have to walk together and make small talk and it’s super awkward.
corona got the club empty asf me and the DJ just chillin listening to frank ocean with the strobe lights goin rn
A wise man once said… absolutely nothing.
He let her vent and then they had sex afterward.
I’m sorry that your Facebook personality quiz matched you up with a rice cake.
Annoys me when I’m typing my reply and someone starts typing like you see those 3 bubbles and I’m just like no excuse me wait your turn thanks
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Sex is like pizza. Turtles are having it in the sewers.
[on phone]
“Press 1 if you’re a huge nerd”
“Press 2 if you’re a virgin”
“Press 3 if y-”STOP TALKING, DAD! I’m trying to call Xbox support
*leaves social media, covers webcam with tape, installs encryption software, resets passwords, dons tinfoil hat*
Try and spy on me now!
*ad for Reynolds Wrap pops up in my browser*
SON OF A
[in heaven after crucifixion]
jesus: “they were horrible dad, im pleased im not going back there”
god: [rubbing his neck] “see the thing is”
Getting marriage advice from a priest is like taking your lawn mower to Burger King to get repaired.
Priest: Do you take this woman to be your wife?
Me: “I do”
Priest: Ok can you say it again without using finger quotes while you do it
If a dragon flew overhead right now, I’d be surprised but not surprised surprised
Everyone: Why don’t you have kids?
*points to dead cactus*
[hospital]
DOCTOR: you’re ok
ME: so it was just a dream
DOCTOR: no your heart did turn into a bowl of cereal but your system is accepting it