My 3 year old isn’t talking to me because I followed him home from the park
You Might Also Like
When my wife told me to stop pretending to be a flamingo, I just had to put my foot down.
Dr: We need you to come back for additional blood work…
Me: Why, is something wrong?!
Dr: Yes. Your blood sample was mostly champagne…
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I love this time of year because I can leave my husband at home with the kids & say I’m going Christmas shopping when really I’m just out driving around in my car to get some peace & quiet.
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
When you know it’s a French word but you can’t quite remember which one
I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Noah: I need 2 of every animal
Shark: even us?
Noah: no, you can swim
Unicorn: I’m pretty good at swimming
Noah: go for it
I have a friend visiting from out of town. What’s your fave place in LA to look at your phone??
6 year old: Hey mommy, did you know you can go to jail for making copies??
Me: copies of what?
6 year old: money
– kidsplaining counterfeiting
*picks up bug, puts it outside* There ya go. *later, bug smashes thru door carrying gun* You should have killed me when you had the chance
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
How powerful must it feel for the dentist to start referring to your teeth by their secret “numbers” to the hygienist
Driving past a cemetery on a reservation my dad said “you can’t be buried there, do you know why?”
Me: because I’m not Native American?
My dad: no because you’re still alive
Doctor: I’ve increased the dosage of your medication
Me: Why am I not surprised
Doctor: That’s one of the side effects of the medication
Eve: I’m hungry
Adam: wHy dOnT yOu hAvE aN aPpLe
Eve: not this again
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“As first lady you would be responsible for the White House china. Any thoughts?”
MELANIA TRUMP: Oh, Donald says he’s getting rid of China
Gf: What’s the dog eating?
Me: Piece of hotdog.
Dog: [chewing slows] WHAT.
every TV pilot:
“Hey man! How long’s it been, 13 years? I haven’t seen you since you got kicked off the force under dubious circumstances. Are you still haunted by the death of your wife?”
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
*a guy sneezes*
*i scramble to put on a fake mustache*
“BLESS YOU”
*rolls eyes* thanks kyle *deep sigh* youre a–
“IM A BLESSING IN DISGUISE”
Me watching someone get cooked by the timeline for an opinion i agree with
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
If we made a paid app but had no ads, would you download it for $2?
My top tip is, before you get into a staring competition with any large animal (such as a boa constrictor), do double check they have eyelids.
I yelled at my cat and the other cats yelled at me like wow k pay my mortgage then