Just saw a doctor eating an apple. My whole life is a lie.
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I had to walk behind my teenager during his zoom class in order to go to the bathroom and now his peers know that he has parents. THAT HE LIVES WITH. He’s obviously very upset. Please send him your thoughts and prayers during this difficult time.
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
If I ever become rich, you know where all my money is going?
To the bank
*forgets to bring grocery list to the store*
I can handle this…
*comes home with cheese and bath salts*
Nailed it.
Never go to a place that has burgers, sushi, chicken wings and donuts on one menu. Never.
[Wrench factory]
BOSS: I’m proud to say it’s been 250 days without an injury!
WORKERS: *celebrate by tossing all the wrenches into the air *
McDonald’s employee: for here or to go?
Guy who was born inside McDonald’s and has never seen the outside world: what?
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
‘Let’s just agree to disagree.’
-Me, saying grace at the dinner table.
anyone at the gym with no headphones is training to avenge someone’s death
water baby: when i grow up, i wanna be the ocean
water dad: with your grades, you’ll be lucky if you end up as dasani
Professor: Today’s exam is written. Next week we will do oral
Class in unison: I HAVE A BOYFRIEND
Shouting “say my name baby” but it’s just me waiting on my takeout order
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
Sometimes passing by a nursing home is the only reminder I need to go buy my kids whatever they want.
Taking my husband’s last name doesn’t mean I’m not a feminist it means I don’t want anyone I went to high school with to be able to find me ever again
Me: What do you call a tailor that only alters pants? A slacker.
Cop: Please exercise your right to remain silent.
When people start a sentence with “believe it or not” I’m like wow, those are two very good options
“that’s why they pay me the medium bucks” always kills in meetings. that’s free for you to use any time you want, buddy. little gift from me to you
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Prom Date: [coming down stairs in dress] How do I look?
Me, super woke cool guy: You look empowered & worthy of equal salary compensation
*Goes to the store*
*Buys donughts, doughnut holes, and glue*
50 years ago, nerds were smart. Now a nerd is just someone who likes Star Wars and eats a lot of cereal.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
interviewer: this resume looks great but can you perform under pressure
vanilla ice: *squinting* no
I’m wearing my brand new all white Nikes today, so please respect my personal space by extending it an additional 2 feet.
All carpentry tool names were created by someone in desperate need of sex.
10 y/o daughter walked up to me and said, “My Father’s Day gift to you is me because without me, you wouldn’t be a father,” then she added, “You’re welcome,” before walking away and that about sums up being a father.
ME: wat if they dont like me
MOM: just be urself
ME: ok!
[comes home early in a masive cloud of bees]
ME: WAIT DID U SAY “BEE URSELF” OR “BE