My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.
You Might Also Like
why try to flirt with someone who leaves you on read when you could be enjoying some soup instead
This story is comedy gold 😂
Damn he played himself
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
911: ‘911 what’s your emergency?’
Me *mumbles ‘I just got to the nursery and they replaced all the kids with PLANTS!’
911: *click
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
The anger from one Canada goose, if harnassed properly, could power Toronto for a year
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
me: how did he die?
him: he was attacked by a gang of geese
me: gaggle?
him: no I think it was a stabbing
I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
synchronized noseblowing
Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.
The next time kids ding door ditch you you have to run and chase after them and yell WHAT IF IM A CRAZY PERSON!!
The 3 types of Christmas movies:
1. Movies about Santa.
2.People being changed by the Christmas spirit.
3. Die Hard
It’s like campers and hikers don’t understand that nature will come to you if you just don’t mow the lawn.
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
Men be like this is my all in one shampoo-conditioner-body wash-face soap-toothpaste-car wax
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
horror movie
– but it’s just her throwing on the hallmark channel after handcuffing me to the bedposts
Tomorrow’s weather forecast:
60% chance of rain, 15% chance of snow, and 0.0017% chance that none of this is real and you’re just a happy little forest gnome who nibbled on the wrong kind of mushroom.