Not sure which is more alarming: English wine or English bears?
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I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
“Quark, quark,” said the quantum duck.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Tit for tat is just exchanging one palindrome for another, much dirtier, palindrome.
[First day as Narrator]
Me: So, I just say the opposite of what the speaker said? I can handle that.
Narrator Trainer: But he could not.
Reporter: are you nervous about the fight?
Me nervously: no
Reporter: he said he’s going to ‘rip your heart out’
Me crying: but I need it
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
Smiling releases endorphins in your body, which relieves stress.
All I have to do now is explain that to my proctologist when he’s done.
Like a mouse stuck in a mouse trap because its desire for cheese was too great, I too am stuck in a mouse trap
Proper punctuation can be the difference between a tweet being well written and a tweet being well, written.
(Outside at dusk)
Wife: Lovely evening.
Me (Covered in mosquitos): Glorious.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
[anniversary text]
H: miss u already. don’t get too lonely in that hotel suite w/o me.
M: *soaking in hot tub, sipping 4th mimosa while eating chocolate covered strawberries* who dis?
It turns out if you balance your checkbook when you’re drunk you have a lot more money.
[ alone in a dark cemetery ]
me: marco
Car Salesman: If you buy this car, you’ll save $2000.
Me: I’ll save $20000 by not buying it.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
Only thing I miss about life prior to this pandemic is going to people’s houses just to eat their food and then immediately leave
thesaurus for sale, brand new, current, modern, original, unused, untapped, fresh, pristine, untouched, mint condition, spotless, untried…
*brushes teeth for seventeen hours straight before dentist appointment*
“Jessica, there is an entire Oreo behind your second molar.”
Idea: shants. Pants for when you don’t want to wear pants. It’s still very much in the concept phase, ok?
Hot shingles in your area are looking to give your dermatomes a painfully good time!
[Shouts to passing jogger]
“Is there cake?”
Things I’ve learned as a mom:
Kiss boo boo’s.
Say I love you a lot.
Snuggle when they ask.
Do laundry daily.
Hide the good snacks.
This sink looks like my kids’ toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
During a zombie apocalypse, establish dominance by approaching the baddest zombie with the snappiest teeth and braid his hair.