[Hoth Rebel Base]
Leia: How’s Skywalker?
Han: He was nearly frozen when I found him.
Leia: And, now?
Han: Lukewarm.
Leia: …
Han: Hehehe
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“Veggies?” The subway sandwich artist looks at me smugly. He knows I only want meat & cheese. He knows I fear the judgement of the line behind me. His hand hovers over the pale, wet lettuce. A bead of sweat drips down my forehead. The air between us crackles
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
[1st day as a mechanic]
CUSTOMER: can you check my tire alignment?
ME: umm, sure [nervously inspecting tires] I think they are Chaotic Evil
Industrial strength nuclear powered leaf blowers make relocating your neighbors a snap. Just power it up and watch them roll away like human tumbleweeds.
My daughter is mad at me because I didn’t offer her a banana first thing this morning.
She hates bananas.
Standing in the snow on a sub-zero morning, holding a steaming bag of poop, I begin to question my ‘dogs are better than people’ philosophy.
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
The longer you’re married, the more foreplay it takes to get her excited. I’m up to a week and a half now 🤨
My houseplants watching me put water in the espresso machine
okay, let’s get the lizard council meeting underw—wait, has anybody seen dan?
*room chuckles*
*chameleon in the back* oh go to hell keith
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
Me: How much for the round lizard
Grocer: That’s a lime
“No, Mister Bond, I expect you to… draw tourists.”
*evil laughter*
[During lull in conversation at party]
ME: Do you think you’re closer to your own birth or your own death? Let’s go around the room.
I love the morals of The Ugly Duckling. “It’s ok that you look different. There is beauty in your uniqueness. Your worth comes from withi- oh you got hot lol thank god, I was just saying shit”
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
Costco often changes the floor plan to keep the animals engaged as they search for their next meal.
How to run faster:
1. Drink a lot of water
2. Wait till u have to pee
3. Start runningYou’re welcome
[first date]
ME: Do you want children?
HER: Yes!
ME: Me too.
HER: That’s great!
ME: [gestures to next table] How ‘bout those?
HER: What-
ME: *whispers* Where are you parked?
I’ve never had houseplants before. What kind of toys do they like?
HER: I’m a big fan of Nirvana
ME: Oh yeah? Name 3 other ultimate spiritual goals
Gonna start saying “that’s what they want you to believe” whenever anyone disagrees with me
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
Gordon Ramsey: Tell us about your dish
Me, a dad: Just eat it because I’m not making anything else
this is ur captain. sory for descending thru another cloud but ralph told me it was posible to land on one of these things so we keep trying
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
I fill the pantry with healthy snacks and then get mad when we don’t have any junk food in the house.