More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
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Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.
My spouse wonders why I have a hard time visiting his parents for the whole weekend but it probably has a lot to do with the fact that I have to put a bra on before coffee
I wish I had my mom’s zest for living. she once took a kitchen knife and carved a giant hole in the wall of her closet because she “always wanted a house with a secret passage.” mom you live in a trailer
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
If dinosaurs were still alive, people would do a lot more running.
running feels great unless you compare it to not running
Nature : Earth is 95% full. Please delete anyone you can.
Corona : Got it.
Want to know the secret to looking young? Pick up a bottle of sunblock, and put it on 20 years ago.
If you think I’m flirting with you, I’m just being friendly. If you think I’m weird and I make you uncomfortable, I’m flirting with you.
“the average CEO reads 52 books a year” yeah bc they don’t have a JOB
No you can’t throw a ham at the rotor blade so it slices the ham up, that’s literally the first thing we taught you in helicopter school
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
THERAPIST: Well, if you know what’s good for you…
ME: [Holds up hand] “Let me stop you right there”
Speed Dating
Tell me something about yourself
I have 3 cats
What do u do for fun
I have 3 cats
What are you most proud about
I have 3
Next
I hate it when I’m eavesdropping and people aren’t talking loud enough.
*looking contemplative*
Wife: What are you thinking about?
Me: You know, if Nessie was sworn into the mob-
Wife: Don’t.
Me:
Wife:
Me: She’d be a Loch Ness Mobster.
my mom: curfew’s 9:00
me: please mom i’m in a gang now
my mom:
me: how about 9:15
If science is so great how come they haven’t invented a way to compliment someone’s smell without sounding like a serial killer
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
Look kids, you can talk to me about anything, any time, it’s important you know you can tell me anything, but, for the love of God, stop snitching on your brother.
BUILDING INSPECTOR: what’s this called
DARTH VADER: the death—
[inspector’s eyes look up from his clipboard]
DARTH VADER: uh the health star
This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
facebook is down where are we gonna keep all of our faces
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
[dumping my father-in-law’s ashes into the trash bin]
wife: I should have been the one to do it
me: just tell him to quit smoking in our house
Amazon review of the Solar System
⭐☆☆☆☆
“Only one star”
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.