“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
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*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
“What do we want?”
“A compilation album!”
“What shall we call it?”
“Now!”
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Cheers to all who skipped that one dish at Thanksgiving because you just didn’t trust the person who brought it.
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH:
Here we see the weakest of the herd in its natural habitat.
[camera pans to me laying in bed eating cake]
sometimes the people that hurt us the most are the people with nunchucks
I hope God rethinks his decision to allow an intern to run celebrity deaths in 2016.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
“I’m so pissed I could punch a ba-”
“A what?” Big Baby from Toy Story 3 hovers over me, sawed-off shotgun in hand.
“A bagel. I HATE carbs.”
Work meetings would be a lot more fun if they took place in a giant McDonalds ball pit
I thought my Monday couldn’t get any worse but then Linda from HR said I can’t *make* people in the office call me Stingray.
Babies invented being in a bad mood for no reason, and they continue to innovate in the field
deleted instagram because i’m sick of it and there is nothing on there that i want to see anymore. deleting my bank app for the exact same reason
I’m never a more ineffective parent than when I accidentally make threats that rhyme.
I thought we agreed on rhyming wedding vows Brenda I looked like an amateur out there
Febreze commercial:
“Now we remove her blindfold and…”*has panic attack, stabs camera man, vomits, jumps out closed window*
People are like “I’m gonna ugly cry” and I’m like “with that face, no doubt”
Whenever I read the word “female” on twitter, in my head I pronounce it like “tamale”.
COPS: We know you killed him
ME: I didn’t do it!
COPS: really? *starts playing Shakira*
ME: wait no
MY HIPS: HE’S UNDER THE FLOOR BOARDS
Debugging is like being the detective in a crime where you are also the murderer. Following the clues of an idiot
becoming “fast friends” with someone is fun, but let’s not forget fast enemies. you ever meet someone and immediately you’re just like oh yeah this person is my enemy now
“Good parenting isn’t giving your kid everything she needs, but giving her the tools to get it for herself” I say, handing my 6yo a crossbow
Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I became a journalist because I can’t do math. I was told there would be no math.
Good morning, Twitter x
I took the kids to an orchard in the country today, where we crossed paths with a friendly and very handsome man who was fixing the wiring in one of the gazebos. Now I’m worried we stumbled into a Hallmark movie by mistake.
*walks in*
Nope!
*does a 360° and walks in further*
Ah that’s why I failed geometry
also my go-to takeaway order
So we’re doing The Trolley Problem but the most important thing is to save the trolley