are those your eyebrows, or did you headbutt a box of Sharpies
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Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
Once you get a dog, nothing in your house belongs to you anymore.. 😅
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I did errands without my phone and it took 6 days, 17 hours and 59 minutes less time.
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
It’s so sad when you have to tell the person you love that you’ve already seen the post they’re showing you
vegan witches, happy halloween!
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I wouldn’t want to fly Virgin. Who’d want to fly an airline that doesn’t go all the way?
[cop who just pulled me over] i know you’re not really asleep
came home to find the cat drunk again. the dog of course said nothing.
I planned to leave my body to the local medical school for them to train on and practice with, but the students successfully petitioned against it as a gross violation of their human rights.
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
A date sounds nice but you’ll need to bring a friend for my parole officer.
doctor: no heavy exercise for a month
me: I should get a bell to put by my bed so everyone will know if I need something
dr: normal activity should be fine
me: I should get a flatscreen for the ceiling
dr: uh
me: oooh I should hire someone to turn my pillows to the cool side
Did you breast feed him as a baby?
“Lady, I didn’t have breasts when I was a baby.”
I could tell my parents truly loved me as a child. My bath toys were a toaster, radio and a blow dyer.
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
When people dig up a grave in the movies it’s always so fast. It usually takes me days.
*walks into Good Will*
Hi yes, I’d like to trade my friend Will in for a better one.
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
i think it’s time i give cats another chance. if any cats are reading this i just wanna say sorry for wanting to send u all to the military (even tho i still think it’s a good idea since u all have 9 lives) and i’m willing to start over if u are