I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
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No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
Batman: so I’ve been tracking the Joker’s movements all night and we need to-
Robin: you LIKE him!
Batman: omg shut up lol I do not
She’s a ten but she only speaks a long forgotten dead language and her eyes are solid black and she spends too much time on the ceiling.
Parenthood has taught me that you can ruin someone’s day by asking “did you brush your teeth?”
So, apparently, “My old girlfriend liked it!” isn’t a good defense when your significant other doesn’t like the Taco Bell gift certificate you got her for Valentine’s.
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
God: got bears?
Noah: Yup
God: got birds?
Noah: Ya
God: Unicorns?
Noah: Um… the bears ate them
God: WHAT
Noah: IT’S A LOGISTICAL NIGHTMARE
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
ME: You wanted me to bring home some bears, right?
HIM: Beers
ME: Haha. Yeah. That was a joke. Anyways, don’t go in the garage for a few hours.
I really want to have ice cream but am too lazy to get it from the freezer.
~Late night couch potato dilemma
Do one person every day that scares you.
awareness is a funny thing. within a ten minute period my daughter went from not knowing about dinosaurs to sobbing hysterically about the evil planet earth that killed her potential best friend, the pterodactyls
the prime minister is a minister that is not divisible by any other minister
[me in a zombie apocalypse] okay I think this is a zombie but I don’t want to be rude and presume anything, maybe this lady is just having a rough day, aren’t we all, haha, I’ll just try to go about my business, okay no she’s definitely biting me
When I was a kid I got caught up among the wrong crowd, until my grandpa pulled me aside & said “Those aren’t your friends. That’s a hedge.”
Get out of shaking hands with people by telling them you were touching a dead bird you found outside.
sorry to the aisle people but window is so unbelievably superior….I am gazing upon the universe from heights pilgrims only dreamed of and you are just….closer to the poopoo room. A place I already go all the time.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
My kid just asked if ‘duct tape’ is short for ‘abduction tape’.
… we’re totally nailing this parenting thing.
If someone steals your joke, you have to file a LOLsuit
It’s bullshit that dogs get their own heaven but we humans have to go to the same heaven as moths and tractors
I was tired of losing my glasses so I put them on a chain. Now my hair’s in a tight bun, there’s a used hanky in the sleeve of my cardigan and I lick my index finger every time I turn a page.
“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
7 foot tall undergrad told me that he was going to have to miss class for a game and, not wanting to make assumptions, I asked him what team he was on and he just said “come on” lmao
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I made my kids some Simba shaped pancakes, but my 2yo wouldn’t eat Simba and she started crying. I felt like a savage telling her to eat simba, so I cut Simba’s ears off, I realized my mistake when I saw the horror in her face, and now everyone is traumatized.
Putting up my, “Hell yeah you can trespass, I love when people do that,” sign.
Dear rock bands,
If I am at your show, assume I am both ready and willing to rock. No need to ask.