Just replaced my mailbox with a trash can.
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Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house
I’m ready for work early! Now to lay back in bed so I can still rush out the door and be 2 minutes late like god intended
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
How long do you have to wait between naps?
“a quiet place” sequel cALLED “A LOUD PLACE” WHERE EVERYONE HAS TO KEEP SHOUTING AND MAKING ALL SORTS OF RUCKUS TO AVOID CREATURES THAT HUNT SILENCE
WIFE: Do you have a hot glue gun?
ME: No but I have a sexy stapler
Nurse: you’ve been in a coma for three months
Me: oh boy! I can’t wait to see Coldplay in concert
Nurse (standing 6 feet away): there’s something you should know
Me: what?
Nurse: Coldplay sucks
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
“My wife and I decided we don’t want to have kids.”
“But…don’t you already have 2?”
“Yeah.”
Saw someone from high school. She said she hadn’t seen me in years. That’s likely because I’d always seen her first.
They say never give up on your dreams, but I’m really starting to think I’m not going to be the queen of England.
God said: ‘Let there be Satan, so people don’t blame everything
on me. And let there be lawyers, so people don’t blame everything on Satan”
Friend: I can’t believe they’re already selling Halloween candy in sto—
Me: *Already in the car, driving to the store*
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
I complained about a crying baby to the flight attendant; turns out they won’t accommodate you if the baby is yours
Is a pamphlet just a smaller pamph? What the heck is a pamph? People make no sense.
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
Imagine a guy named Kyle walking into Starbucks. You’re a racist.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
[folds menu gently and sets down]
please may I have the applebee
Stickiest things in the world:
3) Lollipops
2) Glue
1) Children’s library books
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
Can you imagine if you were addicted to cold turkey and you knew there was only 1 way to quit?
If a person talks at you for more than 7 minutes straight without pause in a “conversation,” you should be able to go into screen saver mode.
I’ve seen Terminator, and THERE WILL BE NO SMART APPLIANCES AT MY HOUSE
Love is that feeling you get when you meet someone that makes you forget about all of your problems cuz they’re causing all new problems.
Me: Hello?
Satan: I’d like to make a return
Me: ALL SALES ARE FINAL