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My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
Just took a bite out of a rotisserie chicken like I was bobbing for apples
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
Wife: I’m going to the store. Need anything?
Me: Get some uhhh [can’t remember the name Aquafresh] Neapolitan toothpaste
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
[Running away from home]
Me: I didn’t even know houses could run this fast!
friend: which is more important, honesty or loyalty?
me: whichever one makes this conversation end
What a year we’ve had this week.
Self-cleaning conscience
*watching Dateline* wow this is the worst dating show ever
I wonder how long the first person to deliver twins waited before they realized that was the last one
Sorry I panicked and told your kids that Santa is able to visit every house in one night because he does meth.
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
Today I learned Amazon orders deliver quicker if you press send on the order?
I would never bite my own toenails. That’s so disgusting. I only bite other people’s toenails.
I never needed anything more in my life
Longest English word:
‘pneumonoultramicroscopicsilicovolcanoconiosi’Longest Spanish word: ‘GOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOAAAAAAAAAAAALLLLLLL’
[sitting in dentist’s chair]
Dentist: get out of my living room
Women’s magazine
Page 14: accept yourself as you are
Page 15: how to lose 5 Kg in 2 weeks
Page 16: best cake recipes ever..
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
Me: My car makes a weird noise when I turn.
Mechanic: For how long?
Me: Just until I’m done turning.
Mechanic:
Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!
I don’t get to work from home but that won’t stop me from showing up in my bathrobe.
Yup.
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
if i pay $15 for a bottle of water at a concert or a sporting event, i better drown
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!