Get yourself a cat who can do plumbing ๐๐พ
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Super glue dry times:
Wood – 30 secs
Steel – 60 secs
Ceramic – 20 secs
Fingers – instant
[1st Row at Beyoncรฉ Concert]
Beyoncรฉ: Who run da world?! *points mic at me*
ME: [having briefly heard the song once before] โฆsquirrels?
God: when theyโre stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
The freebie-jeebies
That feeling you get when someone creepy buys you a drink without asking.
Her: Look…I asked you to fix this damn cabinet 3 years ago.
Me: For the record…you did preface it with โWhen you get a chance…โ
my car is dead & i saw a dead spider under the hood so like, do i need a new spider? i dont know a lot about how cars work
This is your captain speaking. Grr..this is your captain growling. Mooo..this is your captain mooing. I can do anything. I’m the captain.
I like how we say “vegan” now instead of “eating disorder”.
Googled my symptoms and turns out I should have taken the cake out the oven 17 minutes ago
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
rip st. patrick, you would have loved green day.
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
> be 28
> mom tells me to get a job
> put on Braveheart face paint
> run into kitchen
> scream FREEDOM
> mom tells me to get a girlfriend
Heading to the dentist. I hope they’ve all taken their Valium and said their prayers.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Boss confused me with another employee and fired me. Then called two days later to fire me for not showing up for 2 days. #HowIGotFired
me: [a rest stop designer] this is the tile I want for the bathrooms that are always out of order
Playing video games with your partner is a fun and easy way to start a huge fight for no reason
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
SCAM ALERT โ IMPORTANT
The cat has already been fed.
A reporter is just a porter who forgot to get all the bags the first time
Whenever I select next-day delivery for an online purchase, I imagine someone, somewhere, yells CRAP really loud then people scurry like mad
Thing Two has its alarm set for 7 AM, so Iโm starting to meow now, at 6:25 AM. I want it to be ready for the alarm.
Chipotle server: Quackamole is extra
Me: lol, you said ‘quackamole’
Chipotle server [who is a duck]: Please don’t make fun of my quackcent
FACT: if a cop says FREEZE and then you say “now everybody clap yo hands” he has to drop his gun and clap and then you can get away.
No matter how busy my Sunday gets, I always manage to set aside time to panic about Monday.
if youโve ever wanted to know what a violent mugging feels like, iโd highly recommend inviting my friends & their 2 toddlers over for dinner one night.
We could be like Romeo and Juliet. You go die and I’ll go to sleep.
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.