Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
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I like to drive alone bc when someone else rides w/me my purse doesn’t have anywhere nice to sit.
Pharaohs were buried with their arms crossed over their chests because ancient Egyptians believed they took a waterslide into the afterlife.
The worst kind of insomnia is snoring induced insomnia. That’s when every time you start snoring your wife shoves you awake…
Me handing covered dish to hostess: sorry I’m late I got sidetracked
Her: our cookout was 2 weeks ago
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
This sounds more like an accusation than a question.
Her: Hey, what does this dress say to you?
*Whirls Around*
Me: I’m not in the mood to listen to your clothes right now, I’m drinking!!
all these baby pumpkins drained of their spice and discarded behind a Starbucks
Me: *buys a baseball cap shopping with my 13yo Niece, rips off the tag, and curves the brim*
Niece: *stares at me like I committed a murder in front of her*
My daughter fell hard while we were hiking, so my 3-yr old niece starts punching the ground where she fell and yelling, “I don’t like you hurting my cousin!” She’s gonna be a bodyguard or a felon one day, folks. I’m just not sure which one yet.
starting a garage orchestra
[Playing piano to impress a Russian girl]
“Do you like it?”
Her: That’s sheet music
“Yes, it is.”
Her: Now excuse me, I huv to take a sheet.
I still cook my turkey the old fashioned way, I let my mom do it.
I’m sorry I dropped your baby and doubly sorry I nudged it under the crib with my foot so you wouldn’t notice.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
since my comics are “too girly” i made one for boys
“LUKE CHECK OUT HOW HARD I CAN CRY”
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
[god inventing cupcakes]
God: they’re basically cakes but way smaller
Angel: ah I see, portion contr-
God: and then you just eat like 90 of em
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
This edible ain’t shit.
*5 minutes later
Is it just me or is it hungry in here?
suspect: i ain’t talkin
cop: [sharpens knife] we got ways of making people talk [cuts a piece of cake]
suspect: can i have some
cop: cake is for talkers
I have a job interview tomorrow via Zoom and I’m just crossing my fingers that they won’t make me stand up.
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
This goddamn CVS receipt is taller than I am
I believe in healthy eating so today I’ll be making a Cadbury egg omelet.