ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
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Boss: It’s almost quitting time. Drinks?
Me: In my top desk drawer. Help yourself.
Boss:…
If you’re not going to card me for wine, then don’t card me when I ask for a senior citizen discount.
Hey big accounts –
What’s it like to tweet “My cat sneezed”
and get 500 RT in the first minute ?My cat would be dead before I got 50
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
I like to play my cello on the beach, but I only know 2 notes and for some reason it freaks everyone out.
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
A colleague suggested I clone myself so I can take on more work, but I don’t think it’s fair to ask my husband to put up with any more of me.
Why can’t they use deep fake technology for good instead of evil? Like taking zoom meetings for you. Stuff like that.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
[yelling over the music to club DJ]
ME: YOU DONT HAVE TO HOLD THOSE HEADPHONES UP TO ONE EAR THEY GO ON YOUR HEAD THEY’RE CALLED HEADPHONES
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
who called it a missed phone call from your parents and not a boomer rang?
*Selling Thanksgiving raffle tickets
Me: Hey, how about taking a chance on a turkey?
Her: No thanks, I don’t want to go out with you!
Label: Non-habit forming
Me: Challenge accepted
I feel so stupid for believing in Santa Claus. How did I not realize this whole time it was my parents delivering the gifts to everyone in the world
The worst part about getting kidnapped would be when the news told everyone your real height and weight.
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
What light through yonder window breaks…
Oh, wow, the sun really shows up how dirty the glass is!
Parenting is much harder nowadays. For example, you have to be able to push a kid on a swing and tweet at the same time.
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
[job interview]
Boss: What qualifies you to be a ninja?
Ninja: I just cut your head off.
Boss: That’s pr–*thump*
Girlfriend: can you run to the gas station and get some gas
Me: sure
Gas station employee: how can I help you
Me: *sweating out of breath* gas please
Gas station employee: where’s your car
I think my favorite sammich is ice cream
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Me: I’ll drink to that!
Person who brought me to church: [whispers] We usually just say “Amen.”
WIFE: can you preheat the oven?
ME: you mean heat it
WIFE: not this again
ME: it can’t be heated before it’s heated. don’t give me that look
That scene in Pulp Fiction where Vincent revives Mia by stabbing her in the chest with an adrenaline shot, except it’s me on a Saturday morning when my kid shoves his finger in my nostril to wake me up.