[interview]
BOSS: Any special skills?
ME: Skills?
BOSS: Like strengths
ME: Oh right. I’d say my vocabulary
BOSS: Hm…
ME: That means words
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When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten.
When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that shit.
If you want to know how I rate in our household, my wife has one term of endearment for me and 74 for our dog.
Satan: What’s that?
God: Babies. I made them the sweetest creatures in the universe.
Satan: I see. *invents screaming*
God: lol good one!
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
At least chocolate chip cookies don’t look like brains. I’m talking about you, cauliflower.
Me: I wish I could see your skeleton.
Him: I love how everything you say is sweet but also vaguely threatening.
Wife: your birthday is coming up so don’t buy yourself anything for the next month
Me: ok I won’t.
[mini-horse walks through the kitchen]
Wife:
Me: starting now.
My neighbor rolled her garbage bins out at 5:30am so in turn I entered her cell number on five car warranty websites
Men want to be him. Women want to be with him. Bears want to eat him. Botflies want to lay their eggs in his skin. Fish are unaware of him.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
Don’t think that computers should be allowed to make those ‘dun-dun’ error noises at me. It’s not polite. I am trying my best.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
lab assistant: i have good news and some bad news
me: ok what’s the good news
lab assistant: you got an a on your test
me: ok…and?
lab assistant: it’s hepatitis
Not sure to be insulted or not, but I cleared out a room of coworkers just by announcing
“I have a plan, trust me”
The greatest Valentines Day indignity is buying yourself a bottle of prosecco to drink with your cat, and discovering that neither of you can open it.
My therapist: And how are you doing this week?
Me: Oh. I’m good. Great. Things are great. How are you?
[first day as a server]
guy: “can i order something off-menu?”
me: “well, that is how menus work sir”
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
WARDEN: Any final words before you’re hung?
ME: How many of these have you done? It’s hanged, you idiot.
WARDEN: *just shoots me*
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
Called in, “I’m a time traveler. I came in today yesterday.”
me: I’d like one mcdouble please
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: ok one mcdouble please, ur majesty
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Have a lovely day 😊