Hey guys! Remember the golden rules this festive season, when shopping in crowded places;
1/Walk slow
2/Stop for no reason
3/Repeat above
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game of thrones is such a cool show. they should make a book out of it. [props a stick under a box to capture all the nerds that respond]
Jello shots because who doesn’t like adding a lot of work and time to taking a shot…
Things we didnt do
-Start the fire
-Shoot the deputyThings we did do
-Tried to fight it
-Shot the Sheriff
-Built this city on Rock and RollThings we will do
-Survive
-Rock YouThings we wont do
-Get fooled again
-Back Down
-That
-Give You Up
-Let you down
-Desert you
“You’re getting an MFA in English? Wasn’t your Bachelor’s useless enough for you?”
-second degree burn
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Watched Dahmer with my grandma and she kept talking about ways to get that smell out of the house.
Very concerning
[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
If Optimus Prime led a Transformers symphony, would he be a semi conductor?
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
I SCREAM,
YOU SCREAM,
WE ALL SCREAM,
BECAUSE GRANDPA FORGOT TO
WEAR HIS HEARING AIDS AGAIN!
“Will.he.was”
-Will.i.am’s tombstone
This afternoon a crew of men were installing Christmas lights on a house down the street. The next thing I hear is a boy yelling, “It’s not Decemberrrrrr!!”
That’s how I knew my son was home from school.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
Man of Steel question. When young Clark Kent was wearing a cape in the yard, who was he pretending to be? Liberace?
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
There’s a reason when we have to smile for a photo we say “cheese,” and not “salad.”
You want me to fill my glass with ice? The thing that sunk the Titanic?
Picture someone chasing down a ping pong ball that fell on the floor.
Ok that’s how I dance.
Overheard a woman say very angrily on the phone “I married a stale ham sandwich of a human” and calling someone a stale ham sandwich is probably my new favorite insult
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
I need this dude and coffin dancers and I’m set!
If you remove all the segments where they tell you what’s coming up, Dateline is actually only 13 minutes long.
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
you gotta be faster
i wish jigglypuff was real imagine how well rested you could be all the time
I’ve never gone cow tipping. Milk is expensive enough without adding 15%, and the cow would probably just eat the money anyway.