A couple of our wine glasses broke, and I bought slightly smaller ones to replace them.
I don’t think my wife has ever been this mad at me before.
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when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
I have the body of a guy in his 20s.
If the morgue people ask about it, tell them you know nothing!
What flavor cupcake are these
Dear ppl in rl, yes, you’re right. Social media is nothing like socializing in rl, but let’s see you try muting someone by a single click.
I’m smart but not “know when to stop eating” smart.
If I unfollow you, it’s because of the new follow button or because I don’t like you. Either way I am blaming the new button.
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
When my wife tells me to wear sunscreen and I refuse to listen, it shows that I am my own man who is badly sunburned.
Occupational therapist: What is your favorite part of the newspaper?
Son: The end.
Wife to kid: when you grow up you can be anything you want
Me: I mean we’d definitely prefer it if you didn’t grow up to be a serial killer though
Wife: BUT IF THATS WHAT YOU DECIDE TO BE YOU WILL BE THE BEST SERIAL KILLER THIS WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Me and kid:
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.
I’ve lived here over
250 years and haven’t noticed anything strange.
me: spell “Fanshaw”
British person:
i’m stubborn like an old person & stupid like a young person & have the good qualities of neither
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
Once I get the creative juices flowing, I realize how disgusting that really sounds.
Me: My mom’s famous hot chocolate recipe involved making a bowl of Cocoa Puffs, eating the Cocoa Puffs, then heating up the leftover milk, and topping it with the marshmallows from Lucky charms. Occasionally she’d give us cookie crisp to dunk
Red lobster waiter: we have shrimps
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
*Emerging from a ten year coma*
Dad: Well look who finally got up
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
I’m fine with you not liking my tweets, as I’m adult enough to deal with it. Also, your moms a whore.
“Eat cheese and sin.”
This is… the best street art sticker I’ve ever seen?!
Happy: snack
Sad: snack
Stressed: snack
Confused: snack
Normal: snack
[rubs magic lamp]
GENIE: You get 3 wishes
“Anything?”
GENIE: No wishin for more wishes
“I wish for more genies”
GENIE: I don’t like you
Me: I have Schrödinger like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat-like reflexes?”
Me: Yes and No.
Yes, but it was never about money
Told my dog it’s too cold to go for a walk and he just saw one from the window and now I’m a liar.
Why is mild cheddar even a thing? Who are these people who can’t handle sharp cheddar & why are they allowed to influence the cheese market?
How dare the delivery guy ring my doorbell and disturb me with a package that I ordered.
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees