If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
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Cyclists who think you’re both a car AND a pedestrian.
Explain yourselves.
ME: some day i will find out Owlman’s secret identity
FRIEND: who?
ME: *narrows eyes*
Due to company policies in Canada, some fast food drive-throughs will now present you with the payment machine by taping it to the blade of a hockey stick. I’m not pucking kidding either.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
Answering all the ‘how r u’ DM’s with ‘I got my period’ is going surprising well
I can’t keep up with all of these fake national holidays. So on that note, Happy Merry Brother Sister Taco Baby Mama Daddy Cat Dog Ice Cream Day. Oh and Peanut Butter
I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
“do u have protection” i feel around for my nightstand. i open the drawer and pull a wrapper out. tearing it open with my teeth i send taco bell sauce everywhere. oh no. wrong drawer. that was my sauce drawer. “im gonna tell my friends bout ur sauce drawer.” the night is ruined
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Some people are hope, some people are nope.
Choose wisely.
Just saw the first robin of the year so you know what that means. Batman can’t be far behind.
There were only 7 deadly sins and then you came along.
Me:[slathers self in butter]
Them: I said BETTER! Better yourself!
I want to know what the cat was doing that made the animal control officer be like, you know what, I think this cat just destroyed an 8-ball.
I still can’t believe Jesus was born on Christmas Day I mean what are the odds
I love how pervasive pockets are. We have jacket pockets, pants pockets, pockets of space, pockets of time, pockets of air, and pizza pockets. Thanks for reading.
When apologizing, it’s important to not let them see your fingers are crossed. I know that now.
@ConanOBrien My friend is an EMT and would do well at Trivia Mornings because…you guessed it…she is a first responder.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
doctor: u might want to sit down
me: omg why?
doctor: you’re not the real slim shady
I should have known a van giving away free cheesy tater tots was too good to be true.
PSYCHIC: I can see your future
ME: Are you really a medium?
PSYCHIC: *shows me the size on her shirt tag*
ME: Medium. Son of a gun…
If I had a parrot I’d teach it to say “I know where they buried the bodies”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
Everyone on the bus thinks that they are the main character, when in reality the main character is the bus
My wife wanted me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food in front of you.
So, I took her to Subways.
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
Sometimes I put a vase of flowers outside to let other flowers know that if they try to be prettier than me, I’ll cut their legs off too.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
You have no idea how many windows you have until someone is working on your gutters.