Saw a tweet about foods to help your sex life.
I need sex to help my sex life, not food.
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Geez, you have 3 birthdays in a month & suddenly the restaurant gets all, “We need to see ID before you get a free birthday dessert, Ma’am”.
I’m not superstitious enough to pay attention to signs and such, but
The supermarket freezer door that holds the cheesecakes just swung open UNASSISTED, and I just don’t think I should question this one guys!!
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: What’s your name on Twitter?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
No more excuses…
…I’m canceling that gym membership.
Melons are like: You have no way of knowing how I am on the inside. Take me home, honey. Buy me
A lot of people think it’s embarrassing Elvis died shitting in his bathroom but it would be way more embarrassing if he died shitting in his kitchen
When guys tweet selfies they should totally place a few hams into the background “accidentally” so women know they can afford meat
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
[an awkward minute passes as Death struggles to pick up change from the countertop]
Death: (embarrassed) ha ha slippery coins
Drugstore Clerk: nah man it’s cuz you got them bone hands
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
Happy birthday to all the women
ME: How do I tell Billy his grampa died?
WIFE: Just say he went up to the sky…{later}
ME: Your grampa’s on the International Space Station
her: we should get a labrador
me: idk seems like ppl with those go blind
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
I hate to brag but I’ve had numerous women fake their own death to get out of a relationship with me.
*gets off on a technicality
Technicality: Perv.
A 17-year-old can win a gold medal at the Olympics, but I don’t have enough energy to go to the grocery store and the post office on the same day.
<door bell>
Zombie wife: Is that Bob?
Zombie husband: *looks thru peep hole* Not sure, but he’s a dead ringer.
Basketball games are very squeaky.
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
I got picked on in Highschool: I was cut from the football team & failed the cheerleading tryouts on the same day they fired me as principal
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Melatonin: You want some help falling asleep?
Me: Yes please.
Melatonin: And you want your nightmares more vivid and real?
Me: What?
Ceiling Lady: 🅈🄾🅄 🄷🄴🄰🅁🄳 🄷🄸🄼.
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”
[after the flood]
noah: a lot of those people you killed were my friends
god: i’m sorry here’s a rainbow
noah: that doesn’t really help
god: maybe if you’d stop whining you’d have more friends
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.