Me: I’m feeling really good about my situation right now
The Universe: hold my beer
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I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
My Life Alert bracelet says: “don’t let them get away with this”
Daughter: what’s nostalgia?
Wife: it’s when you miss something that’s really old.
[later]
Me: I’m home from work!
Wife: aw we missed you!
Daughter: [whispers] nostalgia.
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Even though it means he’s a serial killer, it’s nice when a guy has piercing blue eyes.
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
[spreading rumors]
me: R
O
R
U M
S
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
Good night hand
Good night toe
Good night every noun I know-my toddler, at bedtime
The family pet is getting old so we’re all pitching in and throwing the dog poop in the neighbors yard when she can’t make it over there.
Guys, please stop wearing Nasa shirts, I bet you can’t even name one of their songs
Me: I can’t get the taste of sour balls out of my mouth
Friend: I love those candies
Me: Candies?
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
me: “i re-wrote pulp fiction”
director: “wow ok” [reads script] “this is literally just pulp fiction”
me: “i didnt say it was different”
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If we’re sharing dessert at a restaurant and you’re eating it at a quicker rate than me, I will kill you.
Always a housemaid, never a house.
Sweetie, who is this bully stealing your pudding cup before school?!?
“Mom, it’s-”
*dad makes throat slice gesture*
“No one, Mom. No one”
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Awwww finally got my nose pierced this morning.
Never fight over a bus seat with an old lady who’s knitting.
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
ME: *moistens lips with tongue*
DENTIST: don’t ever do that to me again
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
My brother just found out he’s having another kid. He’s playing it pretty cool, but let’s see how his wife reacts when she finds out.
People are having sex, kissing, and cuddling right now and you are reading this….. trust me I’m not happy about this either🙄🙄🙄
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
Any port in a storm is a fun expression until you’re the port. It’s still good but a little hurtful.
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.