I am not a pro at mind games, so I will be direct and ask, “are you or are you not going to offer me snacks?”
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Vader: Join the dark side!
Luke: Maybe. What’s your Wi-Fi password?
Vader: We don’t have Wi-Fi.
Luke: I’LL NEVER JOIN YOU!
the little umbrella is so unnecessary like my drink is already wet bro.
I think my wife got us a babysitter because she didn’t think I’d sit on the baby correctly
I always watch The Shining with family around Christmas time to remind them what happens if we spend too much time together.
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
[Abruptly stops hula hooping] Not guilty, your Honor.
Call your doctor if there are more than 4 wolves inside of you.
I’m pretty sure there isn’t a single Australian animal that wouldn’t look good in a top hat.
Firefighter: This is a list of what was destroyed in the fire
Wife: Are my husband’s Creed’s albums on there?
Firefighter: No
Wife *slides him $20* what about now
If your dog & your baby are fighting, it’s important to leave them to it so that a pack leader can be established.
When he says he likes your personality but he hasn’t met them all.
said in every police drama ever
– her parents are coming down from Wisconsin
just got back from time traveling to get hitler kicked out of art school because i hated his paintings. you guys probably don’t even know who I’m talking about huh
Satisfied that he had all the ingredients he needed, Phineas moved on to the next big question – how to get it into the dog’s food.
another case of gang violins
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I remained calm; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
[trying to sleep]
Me: ok, just breathe and relax.
Brain: OR WE COULD TRY AND FIGURE OUT THE EXACT MOMENT ALL YOUR HOPES AND DREAMS DIED
Spider-cat: No One Home
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
Hi
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Every time I walk in on my brother watching a Star War, there’s 10 characters I don’t recognize and I just walk away
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
Mom, who’s a physics teacher, accepts a challenge from her son, who’s a soccer player, to move a mini-soccer ball
You are what you delete.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)