Wife: Can you go pick up a chair I bought on a Facebook group?
Me: What if the seller is a murderer?
Wife: Why do you think I’m sending you?
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My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word “restaurant.”
Hey where’s Brian?
“Oh he’s taking a p_ _p”
A what?
“Um dropping a d_ _c_”
Huh?
“Taking a sh_t….Uhh Cr_p!”
Oh! He’s evacuating his vowels?
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
I love to open my windows to let in the beautiful weather and so my neighbors can learn my kids’ middle names.
I’m listening to a flat earth argument at this bar and I want so bad to interject more stupid nonsense
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
Once a year you should legally be allowed to end someone else’s date. Just hand them a card that says “Overheard you two talking and it’s imperative for humankind that you don’t pursue this further. Thanks.”
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
*pokes sex life with a stick
2020: omg we’re entering hell
2021: ok so how do we make hell cozy
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
My cat will:
Climb a tree
Walk along a narrow wall
Leap onto the roof
Drop onto a rainwater tank
Jump down to a tiny exposed windowsill
Reverse and jackknife through a small window… all to avoid entering the house via the open front door.
“Kids grow up so fast”yeah maybe you forgot to change your clocks bruh
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
Me: That’s pretty sus
12yo: Never say that again
Me: Why?
12yo: It sounded weird when you said it
Me:
12yo:
Me: Your rules are sus
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
God: you’re a giraffe.
Giraffe: why is my neck so long?
God: it’s the only way you could reach the top of the trees.
Giraffe: that makes perfect sense!
[monkey climbs a nearby tree]
Giraffe:
God: you weren’t supposed to see that.
Me: Oh this is a cute selfie!
Brain: Look again
Me: No, you’re right I’m a monster
Brain: As you were
Me: Yes ma’am
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Roughly 60% of my childhood was spent trying to do the crane kick after watching Karate Kid.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.
I just lifted a couch to retrieve a Skittle that fell underneath it, so I get you Moms that lift cars to rescue children, I get you.
I bought a new cat tree for my cats and they are just having the best time playing in the box it came in.
Yes. You rt’d me 14 times in a row. Thanks.
You are first in line for my liver when the time comes.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit