*rebrands massive pile of unfolded laundry as an art installation*
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me: it’s weird how you follow me to the bathroom
dog: it’s weird how you follow *me* to the bathroom
I love art.
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
Me: Did you look in your purse?
Her: OF COURSE I LOOKED IN MY PURSE, I’M NOT AN IDIOT!
Me:
Her: [looking in purse] You’re not going to believe this…
Scientists have recently discovered that Rhino horns are radioactive “I wouldn’t touch ’em if I was a poacher” said 1 massive grey scientist
Me: my dog Ruffles can talk – what’s the outside of a tree?
Ruffles: bark!
Me: a word to describe shouting an order?
Ruffles: bark!
Friend: he’s just woofing
Ruffles: I said bark not woof, you idiot
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
When I was a kid, I had to walk uphill both ways in the snow just to change the TV channel.
Wrote in my Gratitude Journal, like I do every day, that I’m particularly thankful for my Spite Journal, which now comprises several handsome volumes.
Sign at work today
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
Me: I need the other guy
Him: I’m the head surgeon
Me: [with a broken foot] exactly
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
“Nothing wins you an election better than noise pollution.” – Political rallies.
“i’ll be back”
–arnold schwarzenegger getting into a 2-man horse costume
accountant: “youre basically broke”
wife: “he keeps spending money on stupid stuff”
me: “lets ask the dog if he thinks his jeans are stupid”
Me: You’re adopted
Ted: What? How long have I been a dop
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
I sprung into action when a coworker was choking during lunch. I moved him into the next room, so I could eat in peace and quiet
ME: [licking lips in anticipation] I’m nervous. I’ve never done a bungee jump before.
INSTRUCTOR: don’t lick my lips again.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle our arguments. If the coin comes down, she wins, if it stays suspended in air forever, I win.
[harry potter at work]
Colleague: when you were in school you killed a giant snake thing, right?
Harry: a basilisk, yes
Colleague: can’t even edit a google doc though, yikes *sips coffee*
Lol #dogsoftwitter
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Look picnics, if I wanted to spend three hours protecting my food with a spork, I’d just go to prison.
All I’m saying is adults don’t tiptoe nearly as much as Saturday morning cartoons led me to believe.
You need to let shit go.
~ Buddha
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Everyone was texting her good morning sunshine, so I texted her “good morning solar eclipse”
Yeah, don’t do that.
Girl, are you a barnacle? Because you suck and I can’t get you off my boat