I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
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One night stands just make more sense for single people. Why would you need a night stand on both sides of the bed?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
petitioning to change the phrase “gas mileage” to “dinosaur cremation efficiency”
My sister is doing low carb and she told me she made a low carb quesadilla. I asked her how and she said she used eggs as the tortilla. I said that’s an omelette and now she isn’t talking to me
Autocorrect changed “velvet” into “violent” so now I’m teaching this cake kung fu.
I’m going to replace my uterus with something practical, like a second stomach or a bubble gum machine.
The extra hour from Daylight Saving Time gave me the opportunity to get so much more housework done!
I didn’t do any of it.
But I certainly had the opportunity.
Yesterday’s me was confident enough to pack a bikini. Today’s me now has to live with that poor decision.
“do you know why I pulled one over on you?”
becau- wait what?
“I’m not a real cop lol”
haha nice!
*pulls gun* “I am taking your car though”
I don’t get Roomba commercials. Like who spills an entire box of cereal on the floor and is like eh leave it for the robot to clean up
DEMON POSSESSING ME: Don’t try and fight. You can’t win.
ME: No problemo.
DEMON: But… I’m controlling your body.
ME: Awesome-possum, thank you so much. I’mma grab a quick snooze, and you just wake me when you need a break.
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
[medieval doctor] bad vibes? got a worm for that
Everything I know about classical music I learned from Bugs Bunny cartoons.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
Waiter: may I offer you a cocktail?
Me: yes. Molotov, please.
I exposed my kids to comedy in the womb. I was hoping it would get me a better delivery.
fedex left me a note that they missed me, which is so sweet cause I miss u too, u bunch of box-destroying psychopaths
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
Why are they called fireflies and not Bugs Lightrear?
Me: “This Chardonnay is so nice, I can really taste the oaky undertones”
“Sir those are just chunks of cork from opening it with your keys”
Just once I’d like to walk down the aisle, take my vows, say I do…
Without being dragged out being told, “Ma’am, you’re not the bride…”
The pic on Nextdoor of a swarm of bees on someone’s fence is wicked cool until you recognize the fence.
Wife: [eyes glinting] Kids are at mums tonight, know what that means?
Me:
W:
M: Cool! You get the popcorn, I’ll break out the ‘Sopranos’ boxset!
Dad, did you let the parrot name me?
– Haha, no that’s ridiculous, Brock.
[ordering pizza alone]
Yeah I’d like a large pepperoni and
*changes voice*
A medium sausage
*changes voice again*
Another large pepperoni
*about to check bank account*
Me: “I’m guessing I should probably have about $200 left”
*bank account*: $3.64
Me:
I wish there was some sort of idiom to describe how easily I just took that lollipop from that infant.
Trying to do deadlifts at the gym, but I can’t figure out where they hide the bodies.
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*