[MURDER SCENE]
ME: It’s a pretty open and shut case, Chief
CHIEF: For the last time, stop admiring the luggage the victim was found in and take a DNA sample
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Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
reminder: dont bring up serious subjects at the dinner table, some times its just not worth it
I place my finger on the police officer’s lips. “Shhh. Look, we were both speeding, ok? I forgive you.”
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
I seriously have no problem with Bill Gates putting chips in the vaccine. I do take issue with him not including dip.
Toddler: *listening to song*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *plays song again*
T: *takes a nap*Me: FINALLY! A break from that —
Brain: I’ll take it from here.
I put JIF Peanut butter in the mousetraps and although I didn’t catch any mice I did manage to snag 3 choosy mothers.
When I find myself with a simple problem, I stop, take a deep breath, and ask myself, “How can I complicate this?”
I’d like the chicken-fried steak, please.”
Uh lemme get back to you
*runs to kitchen*
YO WE GOT ANY CHICKENS THAT KNOW HOW TO FRY A STEAK
Her: Explain Twitter to me
Me: Know what sharks did to the Indianapolis’ crew when it sank?
H: Yes
Me: Much the same, just less compassion
In the mood for a horror show so I’m gonna sit back and watch as my kids make a haunted gingerbread house with full blown colds and no Kleenex.
Maybe the reason Miss Piggy is still single is she has a fear of kermitment
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Everyone’s a gangster until you have to chase a plastic bag that the wind took.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
In hell the Mariachi band never leaves your table.
I probably should’ve said, “Congrats on your 4th child!” instead of “Halfway there, OctoMom”.
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.
Dear BJ’s,
Either your employees are very rude…
Or, the name of your store is terribly misleading.Sincerely,
An ‘Unsatisfied’ Customer
I have a spot on my glasses but nothing to clean the lens with so I’m learning not to see it. So…pretty much how I deal with all my problems.
If it’s the thought that counts, I’m a serial killer
Satan won’t really know what hell is until I turn up with my whistle.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
Mistletoe is my favorite Christmas tradition that sounds like a cool as shit superpower.
i just gave a homeless guy $20 but do u see me looking for praise (the answer is: yes)
Feels like we probably could have put that groundhog’s psychic abilities to better use.