Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
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he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I used a calculator to figure out how long to warm an 8 pound ham and thought, “Thank God I spent $1,300 on that advanced calculus course.”
Social media allows me to review all my mistakes in chronological order…with pictures.
Toddlers are like if your dog could talk. And use markers.
i don’t miss calls i stare at them
I got up and made the bed today like someone who wasn’t going to get right back in and take a nap
Received dm of the day
No, I don’t want to experience a “typhoon” on your waterbed.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
grandpa: ur father changed after the war
me: somtimes emojis i never use appear in my frequently used page and i dont kno how they got there
Judge: So, you maintain that he took advantage of you?
Her: Yes Your Honor!
Judge: When did you realize this?
Her: When his check bounced
“YOLF!”
– immortals, probably
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
I trick people that I know Spanish by quoting fragments of Spanish songs I know, la bamba.
Boss: I hope you didnt think about work while you were on vacation
Me: I don’t even think about it when I’m here
Welcome to earth! You have a choice of private parts. Would you like the one that creates life & bleeds or the constant bad decision maker?
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
Two Jehovah Witnesses walk into a bar. LOL JK. They knocked.
Friend: We could to Jurassic Park but there are pros and cons
Me: Like what?
Friend: They have dinosaurs. And you can die
Me: And what are the cons?
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
my niece thought her math teacher said “length, width, and death” so shes been runnin around all day screamig “THE THIRD DIMENSION IS DEATH”
I got so excited about my new pill box that now Alexa won’t stop suggesting assisted living facilities.
ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
in today’s episode of ‘how strong is your marriage’ we take a trip to Home Depot to pick out a shade of white
It was the best of times, it was the end of sentence structure
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
My neighbor once dropped off a bag of lemons and a bottle of vodka on my doorstep in the middle of the night, with no explanation.
I think about this often.