I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
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Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
I take advice from crows because their core strategy of screaming at things and flying away really tracks.
When my wife does our daughter’s hair: “How about a double French braid swirled into a fancy bun?”
When I do her hair: “How about a hat?”
When your girlfriend says “I love you” reply with “I love you more!” Because relationships are competitions that must be won.
i can’t believe i got the keys to a new house, got a promotion at work and bagged myself a boyfriend all in the space of a week 🥹🥹🥹🥹🥹 forgot how good the sims 4 is
A baby came out of my stomach and I was all “weird, I don’t remember eating that…”
Arcade Fire: great band / nerd way to die
We all know cake and pie are not the same thing so if I ask for cake and you give me pie I’ll probably definitely still eat it.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Aragorn: You have my sword
Legolas: And my bow
Gimli: And my axe
Van Gogh: Just hear me out
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
[turns to date during movie where bank robbers laugh & toss money around motel room] They won’t be laughing when it’s time to pick it all up
{walks into farmers market}
Me: is there a bathroom here?
Worker: sorry the bathroom is for customers only
Me: ok I’ll take 4 farmers
[driving on the highway]
My son, distraught: oh no. This is bad. This is very very bad.
Me: WHAT? WHAT IS IT?
Him: my Funyuns. I can’t find my Funyuns.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
Unpopular Opinion: the wooden ball inside an avocado is a seed
Just because you have boobs doesn’t mean you’re better than I am. Unless you’re a woman.
Her: Do we have any chicken stock?
Me: I’m not sure what that has to do with soup, but I’ll call my broker on Monday.
If there are no stupid questions what do you call this?
“I’ll be back!”
-boomerangs
-and herpes
This day in history. 2000. International Mother Language Day recognizes the cultural significance of such phrases as “Don’t make me come over there!” and “Because I said so!”
[The Twitter Breakdown of 2015]
Angry mobs storm the streets, forcing clever wordplay down the throats of unsuspecting, innocent bystanders