With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
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A man drove his expensive car into a tree and found out how a Mercedes bends
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
Thanks for the 27 hashtags describing your pic otherwise I would have never known it’s a hamburger
“I’d like to purchase some deodorant please.”
“The ball kind?”
“No, for under my arms.”
sent my boyfriend a post-ambien text last night that said “i’m going to sleep, do you want anything?” proving my subconscious is stupid, but kind
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
If I storm out of a room, there’s a 50% chance I’ll trip over something on my way out.
🤣🤣
A scrub is a guy who thinks he’s fly.
[I scramble to take off my full-body fly costume]
Frogs always look like they just found out there’s no free Wi-Fi.
Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
These aliens are taking forever.
I’m raising my child to believe there were only 3 ‘Star Wars’ movies.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
I hate when someone makes an Instagram for their pet and then spells all the words wrong.
Either your dog is smart enough to set up, build & maintain a successful social media presence or he isn’t.
If you expect me to believe a dog did all this I think he can also spell “hungry.”
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[slowly rises from trashcan while 2 friends are making plans without me]
i am also free that day.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
when your neighbor cuts his grass and suddenly your place looks like a good place to score meth
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
I feel like every girl needs a “fella drawer” if you plan on having frequent guests.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
My nutritionist told me wine doesn’t count as a fruit source so now I need to find a different nutritionist.
Me: Wow, you’re glowing.
Her: Aaaaww, thank you!
Me: No, like radioactive…
Her: . . .
Me: Tone down the filters?
What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
spider-man is good at witty comebacks, because with great power comes great response ability
History is written by the victors. That’s why I only trust historians who are cool and good looking. If someone seems like a loser they’re probably not writing real history.
My new favorite thing on Twitter is this three-year feud between Wendy’s and a cabbage account
I was kicked out of my college grammar club for making up words. Even worse was the reculpricity they had with the other clubs on campus.