I have a very particular set of skills
*puts down phone*
*sounds of a struggle*
*yells* Ok you can’t see this but I’m totally doing the worm
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Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
I may not be the hottest woman on Earth but I like my chances up against anyone currently aboard the International Space Station
My boss just choked on a breath mint. It was a tough decision to do the Heimlich maneuver because he really needed that mint.
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
It’s scary what’s happening. People who, only 5 years ago, were 25 or 27 at most, are now 30 and in some cases even 33 years old
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: In Top Gun: Maverick, Goose’s son should’ve been played by Ryan Gosling
just saw a rat running up the street he’s probably late opening his restaurant
My diet plan consists of multiple naps.
Because you can’t stuff your face when you’re sleeping.
Me: All I want is for a man to bring me a rose-
Friend: Well, that’s not asking much.
Me: colored diamond.
I never knew how long it took a human to fall asleep until I had kids. In case you’re wondering it’s 2 hours, 3 cups of water, & 18 books.
[leans against bus stop as bus approaches & winks at girl waiting]
I could easily afford to get on that if I wanted to.
Me: I’m terrified of random letters
Therapist: You are?
Me: (Screams)
Therapist: I see
Me: (Scream intensifies)
I’ll believe corporations are people when conservatives ban them from marrying each other.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
*first date*
Me: *in the bathroom texting my mom* Hey can you vacuum the food crumbs out of my racecar bed I think I’m gonna have sex tonight
But wait…
MAN!! My boss is always all “Blah blah blah!”, “You’re late!”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
me: grandma u cant believe every article on facebook
also me:[reads thread on twitter] ok avril lavigne has definitely been dead since 2003
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
The evolution of the NYT cooking newsletter
My wife is visiting her mother this weekend, so the cat and I are smoking cigars and playing poker.
My daughter mockingly told me about Winemaking 101, a class her university offers. I surely hope she won’t mind bumping into me on campus.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
PATIENT: my stomach is killing me, doc
DR DOG: I’ve got just the thing for you *hands him a prescription bottle filled with grass*
Children receive an average of $3.70 for each tooth from the Tooth Fairy.
I suppose that’s because the resale market is so limited.
Not right now green light, I’m taking a selfie.
Me during the day: “I’ve learned not to worry about things I can’t control.”
Me at 3:42am: “What are the chances of surviving a medium-sized asteroid impact?”
My daughter was giving me major attitude so I asked her if she’s seen Rapunzel and she said yes and I said keep it up and you’ll be locked in your room like that tower until your hair grows that long.
Limbo is the only sport where being really bad at it means you’re raising the bar.