Is this:
A. A blue shark
B. A leopard shark
C. A pelagic thresher
D. None of the above
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Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Womb is pronounced as “woom” and tomb as “toom”.
It’s only fair that bomb should go “boom”.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I’ve now had my account locked and been forced to change my password so many times it is up to: password1234567
Vader: Remove my helmet so I can see you with my own eyes.
Luke: OK.
Vader: On second thought, don’t. I have 30 years worth of hat hair.
[Christopher Nolan on the set of Batman Begins]
Great Batman voice, Christian! Terrific stuff!
[aside] maybe Batman shouldn’t talk
If I was one of the seven dwarfs I’d be Nopey.
People that drive Jeeps will always make a point on how rugged their vehicle is by putting one wheel up on the sidewalk
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?
“Oh, we’re going for a 2 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Oh, & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds.
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
I don’t have kids or a dog. What can I bring into a bar that will make everyone mad?
[Wedding day]
Bride: *coming down the aisle* WTF? You’re wearing the same dress as me!?!?
Me: Well THIS is awkward
Priest: *in same dress* Ok. One of us has to change
PHYSICAL THERAPIST: I want you to work out with a resistance band
ME: Ok
[later at gym]
ME: *works out to Rage Against the Machine*
[dinner party]
*removing myself from table* Excuse me, I have to take this.
*picks up host’s dog*
*leaves*
*being broken up with*
Me: I thought we were on the same page!
Her: We are! It’s just the page of the dictionary that has “awesome” and “awful” on it
I loved him with a fervor I normally reserved for carrot cake.
That.
“Anyway it was lovely to meet you!” – Translation: Off you go!
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I want my funeral to have invitations with RSVP requests so my introvert friends can decline but still feel good about being invited.
Living check to check is fine til you go from “Think I’ll treat myself to a $7 latte” to “Which kid do I sell to pay for these car repairs.”