If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
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There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Me: Well kid, someday all this will be yours. *motions to my Twitter account*
4-year-old: Susie’s dad has a boat.
nothing makes me happier than searching “colon” on twitter and seeing all the people who have misspelled cologne…
Yelled at some skinhead today & he was all like “chemotherapy, dude” & I was like, “whatever, racist” cause sometimes you gotta take a stand
Boycotting the Winter Olympics because it’s too frickin’ cold.
If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
I stopped putting coffee in my sugar, and it shows!!!
Married girls are so lucky. They can post anything they want on here because they already tricked some dumb guy into marrying them.
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
6: When were you born?
Me: 1988
6: No, the year.
Me, frustrated: 1988!
6: No, the year….like December….?*spends his college savings cuz we’re not gonna need it*
Ordered a new piece of furniture that said ‘some assembly required.’ They delivered a tree stump with a note that said good luck.
*Woman throws a drink in my face but I swallow it all perfectly*
Why do plane tickets have to be so expensive…you’re literally going that way anyway…just give me a ride.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[Sexting]
“So, what are you wearing?”
A nice blouse and a light sweater. Sensible shoes.
My wife isn’t international so we don’t celebrate
[first date]
ME: Don’t let her know you’re a potato
HER: It’s really hot in here
ME: [starts baking] oh no
Gonna tell my kids Santa doesn’t come to dirty houses so they have to clean all day tomorrow.
ME: it’s spelled “kevin” but pronounced “kev-a-vin”
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
ME: you haven’t even hired me yet
INTERVIEWER: you’re fired
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
trying a new Pudding recipe:
– Milk
– Eggs
– Proof
– Butter
earth is the only habitable planet in the solar system. wow. feeling very lucky that it’s the one i was born on
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.