So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.
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My teenage son Filbert was ejected from the Young Republicans for naming his pet lizard Bernie Salamanders. You bet your buns he’s grounded.
When you put “This page intentionally left blank” in a report, the page is no longer blank. Thank you for coming to my Pedantic Ted Talk.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
My husband is out of surgery and in recovery. What was the first thing my drug induced sweetheart said to me? That he loved me? That I was beautiful? That he missed me?
Nope.
Mashed potatoes. That’s what he said. Mashed potatoes. Get me some mashed potatoes.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
Me: These are my children, Brian & Susan.
Her: What?!? Children? Since when?
Me: Since I’m getting audited today.
A guy in my writing group is working on a piece about a superhero who is also a spy who is secretly a double agent. Nobody could convince him that a protagonist with six different names will confuse the hell out of his readers.
One of the best thing you can do with your kids is to bake with them. It helps create this beautiful bond between you and your child, and if someone finds eggshells in your cookies, you can blame it on your kid.
As Vladimir Putin announces he’s seeking re-election in 2018, world leaders congratulate him on his landslide victory.
gen z girls can dress like 1998 all they want, but they’ll never know the joy of your parents having literally no way to get ahold of you until u come home
I could be a masseuse, or I could just be pulling your leg.
Things changed for the better for Harry and Ginny’s marriage once they mastered the difficult “Turgidic Maximus” charm
[alternate universe]
Aladdin: 🎵 The Exact Same World🎵
Keep slugs out of your garden by building a tiny slug-sized amusement park next to it with slow safe rides.
[me out of breath] yeah I might be shooting a rap video so what?
[wife home 20 mins early] is that why the dog is painted like a cheetah?
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Every morning I have to check my shoes for scorpions. We don’t have scorpions in Illinois people just hate me.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
“I hope she got fat, I hope she got fat” – me looking up an ex girlfriend on Facebook.
“Linda Hamilton has already saved the world three times. Let the poor woman rest, people.”
-my husband, watching the trailer for the new Terminator movie
[two female cops come to arrest me but I am hiding in the men’s bathroom]
Haha
“What do we do?”
During a public forum, an audience member angrily called me a “stupid ***hole” and immediately others defended me yelling in response, “He’s not stupid!”
I’m not getting married till Pizza Hut allows gift registry.
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
I would like even faster food.
Another beautiful day to waste the utopian potential of social media on social media.
trying to explain to my kindergartener that the home depot cashier is not about to give him 6 pies
Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.