Sorry I called you “sexy” and didn’t really mean it, but I was hungry and you were a mirage of pizza.
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I hate it when people say age is only a number. Age is clearly a word.
There seems to be a direct correlation between how many rosaries you have hanging on your rearview and how shitty a driver you are.
Priest: I now pronounce you man and wife
Me: why? “you” has literally none of those sounds
My bride: I changed my mind I want a divorce
[at ER]
ME: my stomach hurts.
DOC: have you been able to eat anything today?
ME: yeah, like 75 pieces of pizza.
What I said: Brush your teeth!
What my 4yo heard: Chew on your toothbrush so I have to buy you a new one every week.
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
Ok… (slowly closes laptop and hurls it into the sea)
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
him: I’m so sick of you just agreeing with everything I say
me: same
“I know you don’t wanna deal with making me do schoolwork and I definitely don’t wanna deal with doing it so if you let me get away with doing less of it, it’ll make both of us happy.”
– 11yo, not wrong
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
It’s the little things that show you care. When she makes my sammich I always ask her if she wants a bite.
ME: This is false advertising. I’ve been here an hour and nobody has even touched me. So lonely.
COP: Again, not what a holding cell is for
Memoirs of a Fish Stick
me sitting in the theater waiting for the batman to start
So NASA found evidence there’s a parallel universe next to ours and honestly if 2020 gets any worse I’m grabbing my family and we’re bookin a flight outta here. I hear flights are hella cheap right now.
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
To the guy who just sent me a Snapchat of him putting his ketchup in the refrigerator, well done. You’ve made a powerful enemy.
Unsolicited sandwich pics.
At my funeral, take the bouquet and throw it into the crowd to see who is next.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”