*enters bubble blowing contest
*blows BIG bubble
*guy blows BIGGER bubble
*pulls knife
*pops bubble(ALWAYS bring a knife to a gum fight.)
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What do you mean 100 іsn’t a perfect credіt score
Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
I’ve reprogrammed my FitBit to allow for more me time. And by reprogram, I mean I’ve attached it to the leg of a deer.
I was born to run.
Accidentally activated “vacation dad” by telling my husband there is construction on our way to the airport…we are now leaving at 3 am for a 5 pm flight. We live 20 mins away.
I set a rat trap last night & this morning the cheese was gone & there was a picture of my kids in it, what does this mean
Sorry I referred to your baby shower as a gift extortion party.
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
“Son, you suck.”
-Dracula, teaching his children basic survival tactics
Sorry your team lost. Maybe you should’ve told the players what to do more loudly from your recliner.
I miss the days when my work wife and my wife wife were different people.
Monopoly banker (inspecting check): Um, I’m gonna have to call the manager.
Giant metal shoe: I’ve been doing business here FOR 20 YEARS.
GOOD COP: Three robberies in the same neighborhood …do you know what I’m thinking?
PSYCHIC COP: Yes
GOOD COP: Oh right
I honestly don’t know what my family would do without me.
I’m the only one that knows how to find the correct version of my toddler’s favorite song on YouTube.
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
My neighbor, watching me take out all the recycling, exclaimed “Yikes! at least you won’t need to order anything next week!” I laughed and laughed and then signed into Amazon
When I say I’m not like other girls, I mean that I don’t mind bugs or dirt. Otherwise I am exactly like other girls, and yes, I’m still mad about that thing you said in August of 2009.
I will punch you in the face.
OK not really – but I will roll my eyes at you, hard.
Mum’s will be like, “I am not here to tell you what to do” and tell you anyway.
genie: and for your third wish?
me: that you fall in love with me
[later]
me: hey babe, our anniversary’s coming up and here’s my wish list
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
The CEO of IKEA has been elected the Prime Minister of Sweden…He’s currently assembling his cabinet.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
Target can refuse you a job, but they can’t stop you from asking the guests in dressing rooms if everything’s fitting ok
Life Hack: Let your toddler throw Cheez-Its down your heat vents so your house can smell like the home of your dreams
Beauty and the Beast is my favorite movie about how beauty is only skin deep. What’s important is that you’re rich & you have a giant castle
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
[Ice Cream Truck]
John Cena: I’ll take an Icee, please.
Ice Cream Truck Driver: Icee? You?
Cena: *grabs driver’s shirt* No, you can’t.
‘Noah’ plot hole: THE FOOD CHAIN.
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”