I failed a history exam, stood-up my girlfriend and accidentally bought a packet of figs today because I’m terrible with dates.
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*phone falls*
Me: Oh No my phone!!!
*friend falls*
Me: Hahahahaha idiot!
My daughter now associates height with age and refuses to believe I could be older than someone that’s 5’5”
I hate talking about the weather with Canadians because I have to convert the temperature to Mooses per square Tim Hortons or whatever.
Actual air attendant:
“Secure your mask before helping your kids.if you have multiple, pick the one with the highest earning potential 1st”
[starts Power Point presentation titled “Why I’m Breaking Up With You”]
Him: Wait, what the–?
Me: Please hold all questions until the end.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
“Can you explain this gap in your resume” yeah man TV got like really good for a few years
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Sometimes at the airport I’ll ask a stranger if they have an iphone charger and if they do I take mine out and say “nice, me too”
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
5’s friend told him his mom makes play doh. Thanks Pinterest. I’m already expected to cook 3 meals a day, now I have to cook their toys too?
Whom the gods would destroy, they first give the WORST leg cramp and you can’t even get up fast because the cat is on you.
A child will either wear a band-aid for 7 minutes or for two years.
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
*pays $2100 to have 17’s wisdom teeth pulled
*puts teeth under my pillow to try to recoup some of that money
Fifty percent of parenting is asking, “What did I do to deserve these sweet kids?” and fifty percent is asking “What the hell did I do to deserve these kids?”
me: another
bartender: *slides over pudding cup*
Then: I will never lie to my children
Now: Your teacher just called and said that if you let me lay on the couch all day then you get 100% in class.
JEDI WHO INVENTED LIGHTSABER: ok its a destructive laser sword so maybe we shoudnt wear anythig too flowy
JEDI IN CHARGE OF COSTUMES: …OORR
We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde
I am always amazed when people grossly exaggerate my lifestyle as a lesbian. Now if you’ll excuse me, I have a topless cupcake fight to attend.
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
When there’s food around, our cat is like an adorable, fluffy shark circling round.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
Boss [handing me a memo that says N O T I C E at the top]: Have you seen this yet?
Me: Yep.
Boss: What do you think?
Me [giving the memo another feel]: Haha it definitely isn’t.
From the speed at which it’s spread I’m wondering if wordle is a symptom of omicron.