[dinner party at spooky castle]
host: so NONE of you will leave here tonight..
guests: *gasp*
host: ..without a HUG!
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dentist: lay on the chair please
me: ok
dentist: face up
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Though built to help exterminate all human life, XJ719 really wanted to be a gold medal-winning Olympic athlete.
And 𝘵𝘩𝘦𝘯 exterminate all human life.
My teacher told me not to worry about spelling because in the future there will be autocorrect and for that I am eternally grapefruit.
Apparently in yoga when the instructor says, ‘next we go into our downward dog,’ it is frowned upon to make the ‘bowchickabowow’ sound.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
I know I joke a lot on my posts, but on a serious note, I need everyone to wish me luck…
I have a meeting at the bank later and if it’s a success, I will be out of debt and own everything I have now.
I’m so excited I can barely put on my ski mask…
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
Hot tip for dog owners:
Be on the lookout for “whale eyes.” If your dog has whale eyes, this is BAD SIGN. That is not your dog, it is a whale pretending to be your dog and you are in IMMEDIATE DANGER
Me: *calls wife* hey, did you know that cats use their whiskers to see if they can fit through places
Wife: um yeah, is this why you’re calling me?
Me: haha no… i’m stuck in the chimney
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
I never finish anything. I have a black belt in partial arts.
The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
*every day after camp*
Me: Did you learn any new games today?
7yo: Yeah, we learned a game called [slightly differently named game].
Me: Cool. How do you play?
7yo: *describes tag*
Leaving the beach yesterday I said to myself ‘don’t leave your phone on the roof of the car, woman’.
Long story short, someone found my phone on the side of the road and just returned it to me
[first date]
Me: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a pathologist.
Me: Cool! I love hiking too.
You call it day drinking I call it very old grape juice in the morning
Funny how “It just broke” was a common excuse of mine as a child that I never had to say again until I got married.
I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.
And a Czech one too.
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
I’m not saying one of my kids is “more difficult” than the others, but so far my oldest wants a remote control car for Christmas, the youngest wants a stuffed unicorn, and the middle one has requested a dinosaur egg so he can raise and train his own velociraptor from birth.
Was very hungry when I made a wish to the genie I found in a lamp and I had a Freudian slip and now I’m a chicken magnet
turtleneck: oooh cozy
mock turtleneck: oOoH cOzY
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
*record scratch*
Me: Yeah, that’s me. You’re probably wondering how I ended up in this situatio…
Crowd: Boooo! Damn this dj suuuuucks
[Blind date]
Him: Why didn’t you tell me you were in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: Why didn’t you tell me you could walk?
When I was sixteen, I had to learn how to drive a stick, because we couldn’t afford a car.
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
Life isn’t about the moments that take our breath away. That’s asthma. You’re thinking of asthma.