So apparently going to the medicine store’s manager with a pack of condoms asking them where the changing rooms are will get you banned from the medicine store.
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“On your 1st day, find the biggest guy, and punch him in the face to show you’re in charge.”
– my advice to new teachers
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
1) Jumped out of bed
2) Cooked breakfast
3) Ran 6 miles
4) Worked out
5) Started lying compulsively
when you see warnings on the 3D glasses from the movies that says “do not use to view eclipse” that’s because of me
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
Acquaintances: “So what have you been up to?”
What I hear: “Please explain yourself, we’re trying to figure you out.”
Brit friend: Ugh. Brexit is a disaster. How are things over there?
Me: We”re in a ketchup war with Canada.
“HONEY, MY TOOTHBRUSH IS MOVING!”
“Has it got ears?”
“YEAH.”
“Tail?”
“YEAH.”
“Is it the dog?”
“I THINK I KNOW THE DIFF–AH IT BIT ME AGAIN!”
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
who named it sea urchin and not snorkupine
At my 12yo’s school awards ceremony tonight I danced in my seat just enough for her to see me, smile, shake her head in happy embarrassment, and look down to avoid accidentally smiling again
My work here is done
YES I SAW THE TYPO; A Memoir
My 7yr old was legit mad at me because I wouldn’t let her practice giving me a Covid test with Q-tips. The meltdown was torture but I feel like I made the right choice.
[knock on my front door]
Me: *pulls out finger gun and looks through peephole* Who’s there? What do you want?
Delivery Man: You ordered a pizza?
Me: *holsters finger gun* yeah, that’s right, sorry… *opens door*
Delivery Man: *shoots me with finger gun*
Guys, when she complains about something you didn’t do, tell her about the things you did do. That will make everything ok!
You’re welcome!
i’m crying live action simba really did not gaf
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
PROSECUTOR: never? Not once in all the time you have lived at the defendant’s house?
MY CAT: I have never been fed, your honor
Him: Can I have a bite of your dessert?
Me: I think we should see other people.
Wait. I thought I was watching Hoarders. Looks like things are heating up!
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
PARENTS: your teen may be worshipping Satan. Look for these terms:
LOL – Lucifer Our Lord
BRB – Burn Religious Books
TBH – Tell Beelzebub Hi
*Me as Dr. There was a complication so I replaced ur eye w/a mini magic 8 ball.
Patient: Seriously?
*shake his head. All signs point to yes
I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.
i don’t have a nervous system, i am a nervous system
Not now, I’m looking up fun crafts you can make with nuclear waste on Pinterest
Date: I’m really into indie movies.
Me: I loved Raiders of the Lost Ark!