Frontier flight attendant: Sir, I regret to inform you that we are going to have to cancel this flight.
*hands me a parachute*
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I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
my doctor refuses to fight me and i think it’s cause he saw how i barely cried during my flu shot
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*first day as a pilot*
Me: sıɥʇ ʇɐ pɐq ɯɐ I ou ɥo
I can be a real tiger in bed. No, wait, wait… What’s that animal that plays dead?
TAYLOR SWIFT: Yes, I’d love to go out with you!
ME: Sweet. *imagining being immortalized in a Top 40 hit song*
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
“We will wed,” I threatened
The postman told me he’s off to Spain tomorrow so I asked was he going to Parcelona and he ignored what I believe to be my best joke of 2014
My personal trainer ran out of treats half way through the sess.
My wife has the worst taste in men.
Boy, are you a salad?
Because I don’t want you.
[Oreo meeting]
What about ‘sextuple stuffed’
“That’s just inappropriate Jeff you’re fired”
[later googling Sextuple]
“Omg that’s genius”
[knock on door]
JEHOVAH’S WITNESS: do you have a few minutes to talk about jesus?
ME (hates gossip): no
I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
Me
At 18: hoping for world peace
At 48: hoping my wife laughs at the meme I show her
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
[Before the ten commandments were handed down]
Kevin: Hey Doug, can we kill people?
Doug: Kev my man I genuinely have no idea
He asked me how I got this scar on my leg and I didn’t want to tell him I stabbed myself so I told him a shark bit me
[blind date]
Me: So you can’t see me?
Him: Nope. Not at all.
Me: (stops sucking in gut) This is the best date ever!
If you have anything you want to sneak into the house, Christmas Eve is the day to do it. Can just rush through the door carrying anything saying “DON’T LOOK! DON’T LOOK!” and people will close their eyes. Next thing you know you’re eating a bucket of KFC safely in the bathroom.
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
[pours a bag of sugar over a tire fire]
hmmm
[tastes remnants]
i think i’ll call it… Twizzlers
“YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER YOU HAVE A CUT ON YOUR FINGER” – salt
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
falling in love with me is cool more people should do it
I shed so much hair, I couldn’t commit a perfect murder if I tried.