*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
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The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
I ordered a bed from IKEA and they sent me a tree trunk and a saw.
Me: for my first wish I want 20 dollars
Genie: done. and your second?
Me: infinite money
Genie: no can do
Me: *slips him my first wish* how about now
The 30 mins before I start my kid’s bedtime routine are the longest 3 hours of my day
If being sexy is a crime then I’m not committing one.
A remake of The Ring, except it’s Jeff Goldblum joyfully crawling out of your TV.
Life can be compared to a ‘Choose your own adventure’ book.
Sometimes there’s a happy ending; sometimes you get eaten by a bear.
[blind date]
HER: I love sports!
ME: Uh…me too
HER: Have you ever played tennis on grass
ME: No, but I once went bowling on crystal meth
You legally aren’t married until someone says, “haha but seriously” in their wedding speech.
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
Started watching that Godzilla King Kong movie and the first lines of dialogue are basically a scientist saying “Well Godzilla and King Kong are definitely going to have to fight each other, as you know they have an ancient rivalry”
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
After he loses, everyone who supported Trump should have to spend a year on an island where he gets to make all the decisions.
If you’re stuck at the top of a tree and afraid to get down, call me. I have no fear of heights so getting the chainsaw from my attic is not even an issue.
*crawls back up a waterslide for 2 hours* did you say “go dudette” or “no not yet”
A corn maze but inside you try to apply for unemployment.
I know I’m old and exhausted when the “Top 10 Bars To Visit In Your Town” sounds like far too much work because I have a fridge, a bag of ice and a bottle of gin.
Just saw a broken down food truck AKA A RESTAURANT
My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark
I just don’t think a partridge in a pear tree would make a great gift
In the movie Speed, Keanu saves the passengers thanks to a gif
Buying a well is money well spent.
Anyone who believes in cyber-bullying is a huge pussy.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy holidays!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wampwahwahwah
CHARLIE BROWN: it’s not a war on Christmas, it’s just respecting people who celebrate other holidays
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wahwahwampwah
CHARLIE BROWN: no, Jesus wasn’t white
I’m sorry I ate your food but you just kept taking pics of it instead of eating it.
I’m really glad my dog doesn’t tell anyone about the conversations we have together. Then people would really think I’m crazy.
Me: you tellin me a shrimp fried this rice lol
Benihana Chef: ha ha
Shrimp Under Chef’s Hat: he knows too much
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
A journal of my lactose intolerance called Dear Diarrhea.