Superman: this is my dog Krypto, he has all the same powers as me
Louis Lane: even x-ray vision?
[Krypto stares intently at Lois]
Superman: oh god he sees your bones run
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I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
My ex boyfriend listens to Christmas music year round and that’s not even the worst thing about him.
Me: I need a four-letter word for identical
Her: same
Me: okay then I’ll get the thesaurus
A silly but epic reminder of what happens when one person stands up. 😉
Pee pressure > peer pressure
I hope zombies will come from Mexico.
After eating their way through fat Americans, they’ll be like “Sorry little Canadians. We’re full.”
A guy laughed at me because I only have a 19″ TV. I suggested we not laugh about how many inches things are. That shut him up.
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
I forgot the word “marathon” so I called it binge running.
people are saying The Quiet Place is a scary movie but as a husband and father of four it sounds magical
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
WAS SHOOTING HIS MOTHER NOT ENOUGH
I bought way too much food when the pandemic began and now my tater tots are tater tweens.
Date: I like men with a bit of mystery.
Me: I have a pancake in my wallet.
You don’t scare me. I used to work retail.
#WhenYouAdoptAPet you’ll always be safe from cheese. #tailsofjoy
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
I wanted a 6 pack, so I started Hip Hop abs.
Quit 1/3 of the way through.
Ended up with a 2Pac.
I’d like to criticize your fidget spinner but I used to own a pet rock.
[At a One Direction concert]
No, I’m not a…I SAID NO I’M NOT A BIG ONE DIRECTION FAN I JUST HATE MYSELF AND FEEL THE NEED TO SELF PUNISH
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Wow, what amazing teeth! May I have a closer look?
~ Red Riding Hood, seconds before realising that forgetting to wear her spectacles wasn’t the only mistake she’d make that day.
Gf: why have you been googling ‘can you milk a hamster’
Me: *wipes milk from mouth* it was for a tweet
Woah woah woah… You can’t be a loan shark right away! You have to start at the bottom. You’ll be a loan sea cucumber.
i ask my toddler what’s in the box she’s holding. “chaos!” she replies. “chaos! chaos!” i know she’s trying to say “crayons,” but it’s not like she’s wrong.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
My daughter begs me to read one more recipe before bed,
“How does the Stroganoff turn out!?”I place a hand on their innocent forehead, “Darling, the stroganoff in the book will be just fine.” I stare out the window at the dark cold night, “But real life is not like in books.”