@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
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When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
[watching Joker]
Joker: ha-
me: [to my date] he’s gonna say ha now
Joker: -ha
Date: ᴴᵒˡʸ ˢʰᶦᵗ
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
surgeon: this man has a broken leg
horse surgeon intern: oh no
surgeon: which we can easily fix
horse surgeon intern: wait which we can what?
I don’t think my car can fly
*dipping a tortilla chip into an active volcano*
Me: This salsa is spicy
[drunk, yelling at an empty Fosters can] ALEXA WHO ATE MY DORITOS
me: sorry i couldn’t stay longer
friend: no that was long enough
I was at a funeral yesterday and spiced things up by walking over to complete strangers and saying “Ignore what everyone else thinks. I, personally, have no issue with you being here”.
Wife: what’s wrong?
Me *halfway through eating a horse* I’m not as hungry as I thought
How to determine what party to vote for:
1) Calculate income
2) Divide by number of dependents
3) Subtract age
4) Download Game of War
CDC: Clean commonly touched surfaces
Wife: I don’t meet these criteria
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
Thanks for explaining my tweet to me I was wondering what I meant
Norwegian chickens be like Bgårk
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
I was going to have sex with you, but you asked what Mario Kart was and wore pants inside the pillow fort….I’m just kidding. I don’t care.
We think whale songs are beautiful, but that’s just how they communicate. Imagine giving someone directions to the gas station and some white woman records and cries to it.
Have a kid so they can ask for a peanut butter sandwich and a jelly sandwich BUT NOT A PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY SANDWICH!
Her: I could tell you, but I’d have to kill you
*she stabs me
Me:..but…you…didn’t…tell…me
She: Yes I did. You never listen.
Why have an affair when you can so easily ruin your marriage by remodeling the kitchen?
Sephora employee: Congratulations! You have 100,000 points. You can choose 3 of the following.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
She has the grace of a puncture wound and the charm of a tetanus shot.
I forgot the term “stylist” so I said “exterior decorator.”
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
My ex DM’d me to say I’m acting creepy then unfollowed me. Luckily, I have his password so I just refollowed myself and told him he’s wrong.