gettin prety good at makin baloon animals, so far i can make:
– a snake
– worm
– eel
– dog, hot
– 2 snakes
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When I die, please bury me wrapped in a sheet. That way I won’t have to look for one when I become a ghost
When Squidward and Donald Duck do it, it’s “adorable” but when I go outside without pants, it’s “misdemeanor indecent exposure” DOUBLE STANDARD
Me: This is a beautiful flower arrangement
Host: That’s a salad.
I talk a lot of shit for a middle aged woman who still calls it a potty.
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
it took 26 tries to get this “messy” bun to look just right and he asked why I didn’t do my hair today, so I hit him with the shovel
officer: fair enough
We’re not really in the same boat if you’re the only one with a life jacket
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
Me: Why is Amazon showing me this?
Amazon: It’s 15% off.
Me: Well, in that case…
[parent/teacher conference]
Teacher: Your son is reading four levels above his classmates.
Me: [peeling Elmer’s Glue off my palm] What?
Why do all Gas Station restrooms look
like you just walked in on an exorcism.
8YR OLD: dad, why do spiders not stick to their own webs?
ME: [remembering I asked the same question when I was smoking pot at a party in college] are…are you high right now?
PRIEST: does anyone object to this marriage
ME: (clearing throat)
BRIDE:
GROOM:
PRIEST:
ME: i accidentally swallowed a Lego just now
Every workplace has a hard worker like this! 🤣🤣
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
To the 4 people today who tried to prank me and failed, eat it jerks. To the 13 who succeeded, guys can u pls delete the photos of me crying
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I’m not the prettiest girl, or the smartest, I don’t have a perfect body, and this started out as a tweet but is now my suicide note.
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
I exit the pool in slow motion, running my hand through my receding hairline.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
Sorry my diet made me slap the oreo out of your toddler’s hand and scream “NOT TODAY SATAN!”
I would seriously recommend whatever that third pill was I just took.
Him: I don’t see nothin’ wrong-
Me: Let me just stop you right there *takes out Grammar Police badge, issues double negative citation*
Are people with googly eyes better at searching for stuff?
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny