“Just be patient, Liam. The dude in the Tahoe is a heart attack waiting to happen.”
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Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
closure is a myth invented by big yearning to sell more sad
Surprise a beautiful person today by disagreeing with them.
Going to put a sensor in the kitchen sink so whenever someone puts something in there a recording of my voice will shout DISHWASHER!
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Funny how strangers who ask you to take a photo of them are always disappointed by your shots, as if they expect to find Yousuf Karsh leaving a 7-Eleven.
I’m tired of people saying “here’s my go to lazy meal” and then they start chopping an onion
If you hide the Easter eggs while you’re drunk, nobody knows where they are
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
Kids: “Mom watch this. Watch this. Mom. Mama. Mama watch this. You’re not looking. Mom look. Look at me. You’re not looking.”
Me: merging onto the highway
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
My wife caught me looking at a seagull at the beach so now we’re in this big fight.
I passed my genetic engineering exam with flying koalas
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Wait. We’re now saying *yesty* for *yesterday*? Who decides these things?
The older you are the more you will get dead, so let’s all remember to stay alive, ok?
—my 6 year old spreading cheer at thanksgiving dinner
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
I read an article today about a cat who saved his owner’s life. I’m still trying to teach mine not to vomit hairballs on my bed.
Andrew Garfield implies the existence of Andrew Nermal and Andrew Odie
me: can we discuss my crippling fear of elephants?
therapist: i’m all ears
me: *screaming*
obliviously driving m y car through chernobyl , absorbing lethal anmounts of radiation while looking for cute girls
I don’t know Pete Davidson, but I’ve heard of his dad Harley.
Why pink camo? Do people hunt barbie jeeps or try to sneak up on pepto bismol?
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
If Mother Earth were real she’d leave us all outside the fire station.
[sheriff’s office]
me: we found a body in the woods but it’s decayed beyond recognition
deputy: can’t you identify it using dental records
me: ordinarily we would but the town dentist has been missing for over a month now
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
Cricket Audience: *goes wild*
Cricket Comedian: Wow tough crowd