Toy story 2 has yet to explain how a stuffed horse kept pace with a commercial aircraft taking off on a runway
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“Sleep” and I broke up a few nights ago. I’m dating “Coffee” now. She’s Hot!
I looked up foods that could trigger my acid reflux and decided to embrace the acid reflux.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but those single unmatched socks that have been on top of your dryer for years have a better chance of finding a mate than you do.
” I made my famous dip for the office party”
You’re a regular Abe Lincoln.
“But he wasn’t a chef”
Exactly
so ur trying to tell me a buffalo chicken made this dip
If it says “typing” for more then 2 minutes… you’re gonna have a bad time.
Me: “I just want a girl who likes Star Wars as much as me.”
Hot girl: “I like Star Wars”
Me: “Oh yeah? Name all 3 security guards I blew to get my own private tour of the Starship Enterprise!”
dad was helping me with my finances and used a moldy orange to represent my credit score 😕
“Describe yourself in 4 words.”
Bad at counting.
Are designated drivers only for people who drink?? Coz I’ve already dropped my keys twice just walking to my car.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Cashier: What does your tattoo say?
Me: It doesn’t talk.
Cashier: Ya, but what does it say?
Me: IT DOESN’T TALK.
Cashier: Ok, Ma’am.
Joey does not share food! Except it’s me slapping my nephew’s hand away from my pancakes.
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
do I regret it, Carol? Hell, I don’t even remember gretting it the first time!
Her: I hate organized religion
Me *trying to unnoticeably re-jumble my religion drawer*: psh, oh yeah, me too
When you find out your hotel has a waffle bar.
Did you hear about the documentary on volcanos, caves, and geysers?
It’s a hole series.
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Do the makers of hold music know that Mozart wrote more than one song
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
Why does my kid always want to become a vegetarian after I’ve bought a shitload of meat
HIM: somebody should probably do the dishes
ME: *drinking wine out of a bowling trophy* agree to disagree
*years from now at my will reading*
Attorney: “it is to my dear children, that upon my passing I give the fortune which I have devoted my life to building its immense value…”
My kids: omg, Mom had a secret inheritance for us??
Attorney: “… my meme collection.”
When you stub your toe but there are kids around.