Why hang Wanted posters in the post office? We’re not crime-fighting crusaders. We’re buying stamps.
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*Speeding*
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
Me: My singing?
Cop:
Me: My smile?
Cop:
*From the back of cop car*: My dance moves?
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Adulthood is like the part in The Wizard of Oz where Dorothy tries to runaway from her problems, but then SURPRISE, there is also a tornado.
Doctor: send me a message on the patient portal if you have any questions?
Me: what happens to our energy after we die?
Doctor: no, not like that
Me: do crabs think fish can fly?
Doctor: not like that either
Me: how many popsicles is too many popsicles?
Doctor: please stop
My boss got bit by a snake so I bandaged his wound so tight just to make sure the venom won’t drain out.
I unironically love this joke.
[3am – a knock on the door]
me: jfc do u know what time it is?
salesman: *pulls out a box* cheesecake time
me: *considers intensely* come in
Cleaned out my closet and found Narnia. I should check on these folks more often, their political and social infrastructure is in shambles
me: oh it’s so nice out I think I’ll wear shorts and a tank top
*5000000 mosquitoes like this post*
If I just had a baby and was sitting in a donkey stable in the middle of winter and a little boy started drumming right in my sleeping infant’s face, I would have totally lost my shit.
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
Seasons are confusing in Los Angeles. Time to pull out my winter sundress.
After years of commercials, I still have no idea what a Go Daddy is
In 2016 I stayed at a hotel that offered “all-day room service starting at 5 p.m.”
The emotional roller-coaster of catching the bouquet, then remembering I’m at a funeral.
“It’s early and the sun is coming up. I wanted to wake you up and tell you that.”
-My 5yo writing himself out of the will
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
One time I had to Google “What is a Snooki?” ngl I was disappointed it wasn’t a new Muppet
I don’t know why people say life is short….this seems to be taking forever.
When she says she needs more intimacy; she means your feelings, not your colonoscopy report.
I would have loved to have been there when Mary and Joseph tried to explain to Jesus where babies come from.
I was just on a date with a woman and, while showing me a video on her phone, saw she received a text that said “well, looks aren’t everything.” Oof
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Stormy, with a chance of “wet moms” this weekend.
“Your gun and your badge. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun. And your gun.” – Octopus Police Chief
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
[on phone]
Of course I trust you, babe. Always.
*searches Amazon for mini spycams with 1-day shipping*
*turns my phone upside down like a tip and strip pen*
Everyone naked?