Nobody:
My possessed doll at 3 am: [laughs in Seth Rogen]
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By allowing my children to play their music & video games loudly, I’m able to get candy out of its wrapper into my mouth unseen.
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
me: oh… exhibition game
rest of the basketball team: would you PLEASE put some clothes on
I have no idea how to clean a cheese grater. Usually I just end up grating a sponge
Probably the worst thing about dying a virgin would be all the dead terrorists that are waiting for you.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
There are so many firsts you can still experience at 40! Like finding your first chin hairs and having your first colonoscopy!
My best dating advice is to wait after you have two kids and a house before you tell her you speak elvish.
me: I’m having hearing issues
doctor: can you describe the symptoms?
me: it’s a tv show about a family from springfield
Just saw a squirrel jump about 15 feet from one tree to another. He is now my new emergency contact.
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Friend: You need help?
Me: I need to write a couple letters.
Friend: OK
Me: Not those.
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
me, last week when it was dark in evenings: what is the point of anything
me a week later now there is light: I am so happy to be alive so I can eat fresh mango
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
Age 20: “You free for lunch?”
“Yeah, meet you there now.”Age 30: “You free for lunch?”
“Yes, let’s schedule it in for 3 weeks from now.”
THERAPIST: what’s wrong?
WIFE: he makes us watch Gladiator every single day!
ME: ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?
my husband and I got into an argument because he says I waste money so as an act of apology I bought him a penguin
Me buying frivolous things: Well, you have to spend money to spend money.
The world is so overpopulated, it’s getting so a girl can’t even find a nice, quiet place to yank out her wedgie.
*runs away from it all*
*runs back*
*grabs phone charger*
*runs away from it all again*
Hey,dogs barking, we get it: At the core of existence dwells an unspeakable malaise.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
It’s ok Apple users, I just woke up and found a surprise Nickelback album on my BlackBerry.
*Belle falls in love with Beast*
Everyone: STOCKHOLM SYNDROME!! Called it!
*Belle speaks to furniture*
Everyone: this is fine
Me: *lights gorgeous smelling candle*
Him: *puts bacon in the oven*
Me: You win
me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
What smells better than it tastes?
A nose.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.