me: which suit should I wear
her: I like both
[later]
her: how did the interview go
me: he asked why I wear two suits
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boss: i’m always so impressed by you.
me: awww, wow thanks. why?
boss: bc you show up & do your work.
me: well, that’s a low bar.. but thank you.
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
Omg, I love where this is going.
~Me hearing a good recipe.
FRIEND: Pretend like you’re not too interested
ME: Ok
[later]
DATE: My grandmother recently passed away
ME: Who cares
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
The problem with baking cinnamon rolls is that you will eat them all in one go
“Scolding a cat after it does something wrong has been proven ineffective” – cats
Top names for pet grasshopper:
• Jerry Springer
• hoptimus prime
• Legatron
• Jumpford & sons
• meredith
• billy BOIIIING thorton
• beyouncé
Them: We’ve made this idiot proof
Me, an idiot: *Immediately screws it up*
[Lab]
MONSTER: What is my name?
“We’ll call you…Frankenstein”
MONSTER: But that is your name
“Yeah, people won’t make a big deal of it”
[AA meeting]
Me: Hi, I’m Guy and I’m the Antichrist
Him: Er, did you mean you’re an alcoholic?
M: *eyes glowing red* Yes, sorry. That was just the tequila talking…
On HGTV they can flip a house in a month and I’ve been “getting ready to vacuum” for the past two weeks.
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
Its trashy to reveal your special attack on the first date
The horror and trauma of explaining homosexuality to a child, as told by an internet mom.
Me: Goodnight Moon.
Moon: Don’t “Goodnight” me! Do you know what time it is? Where the hell have you been?
Ever noticed how pears in a paper bag always seem to be ripe all together at once? This is because they easily succumb to pear pressure.
11: You take a lot of naps
Me: Well you weren’t using them
My wife’s tweezers were missing the other day, she finally found them near a fly with no wings, I don’t know how that happened.
Using statistics to make friends with golfers on Facebook 👍💛
Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.
*at the red lobster*
me: i will have the red lobster
waiter: okay
Sign at work today
Why DOES “February” have that extra R? It should just be “Februay.”
Me: Please, I beg of you, let me pet him one last time! I get separation anxiety!
Him: I’m just out walking my dog, lady.
PET SHOP OWNER: So would u like a puppy for your son?
ME: Yes[home]
WIFE: Where’s Tommy?
ME [with a puppy] ok so they offered me this deal
*At the local breakfast restaurant
Server: And how would you like your eggs, sir?
Me: Reese’s
Quarantine Day 21: Turns out I don’t hate my coworkers as much as I thought I did.