[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
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You know you’re ordering too much takeout food when the delivery guy replies ” it’s me” when you ask who’s at the door.
Am I deceitful? Yes. I am not.
Toddler in our bed last night; it was like sleeping with an octopus on meth.
kids: can we have a popsicle?
me: *eating a popsicle* no it’s 8am
*addresses the elephant in the room*
*puts a stamp on the elephant in the room*
“My pen pal is gonna love this.”
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
The TP factory remains safe, as the would-be theives were flushed out before they could wipe up the inventory.
*Busts through Kool-aid mans wall*
Kool-aid man: Not cool. What I do is fake. This is our home
Me: I’m sorr…
*A sippy cup starts crying*
There are two types of people who go on vacation together. One wants to be the Indiana Jones of adventures and the other wants to eat themselves into a food coma, and pass out at the pool until sunburned.
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
Flight attendant: You’re sitting in an exit row. Are you ready willing and able to assist in case of an emergency
Me, half an ambien and 2 bloody marys deep: Yeah
Why are holiday dinners always so early. “Come over dinner is at 1 o’clock”
ME: who’s a good boy
*kissy noises*
DOG: I just murdered the cat
ME: you are, yes you are
*rubs dog’s head*
DOG: you’re next buddy
Prepare for the zombie apocalypse?
No.
Just bite me and get it over with. I’m too lazy for this crap.
I feel like my heart’s been ripped out and my soul eaten by a herd of wild cats whenever anyone accuses me of being overly dramatic.
The fastest animal in Canada is probably the vaMoose.
The difference between a motel and a hotel is about $200.
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
Boomer neighbors on NextDoor: “Kids never go outside and play anymore! The parks and alleys are empty!”
Boomer neighbors IRL: “How dare neighborhood children play a game of basketball outside on a summer evening at a nice normal volume! Go inside!”
LIFE HACK: Answer your phone “Hello you’re on the air” and 99% of the time people will just hang up
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.
Today I was on the treadmill for over an hour. I was so pleased with my progress that tomorrow I might actually turn it on
I love you, let me stand on your larynx.
– cats
A little boy just screamed down the tube carriage “if you’re happy and you know it clap your hands” and everyone remained silent. I love London
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
“I love you.”
“I love you, two.”
Because multiple personality disorder.
Cleaning takes hours of backbreaking labor. But you can apologize for the mess without ever leaving the comfort of your favorite chair.
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look